Eh
I think I want to cry.
Things feel so different now. Something is wrong. I don't know if it's me or everyone else. I feel so distant from the world around me. Especially everyone who I think is my friend. I just want to give up on it all. I hate this feeling. Maybe it's from lack of sleep. I don't know. But I wish it would go away. I want everything to feel special and right again. I want it to feel like it's moving foward.
This especially applies to Chris. I wanted a close relationship, I wanted to get to know him, I wanted someone I could talk to about anything, someone to hug me and I could feel God in him. It was once like that. And I suppose I could blame it on his busy schedule but something tells me I'm not good enough. I'm too young, boring, or emotional. It just hurts. And I feel like that part of my life is being taken away. Anything I say to him is going to come out wrong. I can't say anything without him blaming it on my low self esteem. I wonder if he ever thinks that I don't feel good enough for him. That it might just be him that makes me act this way. I don't think I mean anything to him anymore. I want it back. I want to feel loved and special again. And if I am now, I wish someone would tell me so on a regular basis. I tend to forget these things very easily.
I went to an Incubus concert yesterday with the only person that was willing to come with me, Chris, which was odd. And I think this event might have sparked these emotions. But this week I has this feeling something was going wrong. And it's all in my head. At the concert, I thought that maybe he would talk to me since we haven't seen each other in about 4 weeks. But no, he found some friends there and so we sat with them and he ignored me mostly. Every now and then I guessed he sensed that something wasn't right with me as I was staring blankly ahead trying to fight back tears. When he saw this he snapped and said "Happy, happy, be happy". Unfortunately I can't change on a snap. I know I must have worried him. I feel bad about it now. I know he didn't really know what to do. I'm sorry.
Anyways while they were looking for hot girls, I sat there completely alone at what should have been the one of the most awesome events of my life. It hurt so bad to scream my lungs out to Stellar when there was no one by my side screaming it too. It meant too much to me to think of this as any other concert. This was INCUBUS for crying out loud! I have some kind of spiritual connection with this band. So I feel like I just missed my oppurtunity to really experience them. To be so utterly alone amongst a crowd of thousands is like hell. To be in such a place that I have been dreaming about for most of the year and it being a nightmare was hellish also.
So musically the show was awesome. They had these wonderfully psychedelic instrumental pieces and all the colors...it was stellar(yes that's an Incubus word). Other than that I was miserable. Also my leg was spasming.
Afterwards Chris drove me home. It was 1:30am and we both had to get up early the next day. But we had brownies and oj and discussed my fears of stepping on frogs. Well not really, but it would have been nice. And then we hugged. And that was the only moment I felt comfort. And then he left. And I doubt I shall see him again for a while. Especially after he reads this and gets really upset.
I've just been praying that he'll find peace, that work doesn't get to him and that he forgives me for being such a bitch. I hope he will live the way he was meant to. And I hope he never forgets the one who's never left him. And I hope he is blessed three-fold.
In other news, I think today should have been a coconut soup day. But it wasn't.
Things feel so different now. Something is wrong. I don't know if it's me or everyone else. I feel so distant from the world around me. Especially everyone who I think is my friend. I just want to give up on it all. I hate this feeling. Maybe it's from lack of sleep. I don't know. But I wish it would go away. I want everything to feel special and right again. I want it to feel like it's moving foward.
This especially applies to Chris. I wanted a close relationship, I wanted to get to know him, I wanted someone I could talk to about anything, someone to hug me and I could feel God in him. It was once like that. And I suppose I could blame it on his busy schedule but something tells me I'm not good enough. I'm too young, boring, or emotional. It just hurts. And I feel like that part of my life is being taken away. Anything I say to him is going to come out wrong. I can't say anything without him blaming it on my low self esteem. I wonder if he ever thinks that I don't feel good enough for him. That it might just be him that makes me act this way. I don't think I mean anything to him anymore. I want it back. I want to feel loved and special again. And if I am now, I wish someone would tell me so on a regular basis. I tend to forget these things very easily.
I went to an Incubus concert yesterday with the only person that was willing to come with me, Chris, which was odd. And I think this event might have sparked these emotions. But this week I has this feeling something was going wrong. And it's all in my head. At the concert, I thought that maybe he would talk to me since we haven't seen each other in about 4 weeks. But no, he found some friends there and so we sat with them and he ignored me mostly. Every now and then I guessed he sensed that something wasn't right with me as I was staring blankly ahead trying to fight back tears. When he saw this he snapped and said "Happy, happy, be happy". Unfortunately I can't change on a snap. I know I must have worried him. I feel bad about it now. I know he didn't really know what to do. I'm sorry.
Anyways while they were looking for hot girls, I sat there completely alone at what should have been the one of the most awesome events of my life. It hurt so bad to scream my lungs out to Stellar when there was no one by my side screaming it too. It meant too much to me to think of this as any other concert. This was INCUBUS for crying out loud! I have some kind of spiritual connection with this band. So I feel like I just missed my oppurtunity to really experience them. To be so utterly alone amongst a crowd of thousands is like hell. To be in such a place that I have been dreaming about for most of the year and it being a nightmare was hellish also.
So musically the show was awesome. They had these wonderfully psychedelic instrumental pieces and all the colors...it was stellar(yes that's an Incubus word). Other than that I was miserable. Also my leg was spasming.
Afterwards Chris drove me home. It was 1:30am and we both had to get up early the next day. But we had brownies and oj and discussed my fears of stepping on frogs. Well not really, but it would have been nice. And then we hugged. And that was the only moment I felt comfort. And then he left. And I doubt I shall see him again for a while. Especially after he reads this and gets really upset.
I've just been praying that he'll find peace, that work doesn't get to him and that he forgives me for being such a bitch. I hope he will live the way he was meant to. And I hope he never forgets the one who's never left him. And I hope he is blessed three-fold.
In other news, I think today should have been a coconut soup day. But it wasn't.
posted by Em at 8:46 PM
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