There's nothing so scary in the dark as ourselves.

Greetings. Come on in and waste away a little while.

I swear I had something to say. But I can't record it all and make it sound as wonderful as it was. This guy says something else equally as great,although it might not be what I meant to say, it is the truth so simply put that I am sick with envy which prompts me to bite my own head off. But not really:

"It is a peculiar stupidity that allows me to become so easily discouraged. my usual order of things: (1) pray for God's guidance and wisdom (2) ignore or betray the convictions He gives me (3) charge or doubt Him because of the disorder and confusion in my life. is there peace in our hearts? are we not lying to ourselves and others, professing a faith we scarcely believe in? may God forbid we become comfortable here! but rather than seeking happiness we should value this restlessness. if we didn't first feel the pain of a cut, what would prompt us to clean and wrap the wound, preventing infection or worse? this emotional pain of ours (if I may assume I'm not alone in my sadness), as with physical pain, is often a sign that something is wrong. rather than dress the wound, or even question the cause, don't we choose spiritual numbness (entertainment, socializing, education or career ambitions...) and so decide not to feel the infection of our entire lives? this sickness or infection is disobedience and self-absorbtion, a lack of love for God and other people. I am sick with myself, and too much with this world. but there are certain moments, radiant with sorrow and pity, where my soul is set on fire by the love of Jesus! he does not avoid or deny the suffering of the world, but takes it upon himself in its most extreme. far from our mediocrity and compromise, his crucifixion challenges us to suffer wildly, dares us to love recklessly, even foolishly. my friends, when will we grow tired of mediocrity and compromise? God, forgive our selfishness. please soften our hearts and open our ears to your truth. let us die to oursleves, and give us a new and wonderful life. help us see You in those around us and show them the patience and gentleness You've shown us. let us love the unlovable as You have loved us. You are beautiful, just beautiful, my Lord! "-ajw

And now for a contribution from myself in my own journal...
Someone else likes coconut soup, I can feel it.

Today I took the PSAT. It wasn't horrid as others have told me, but it definately wasn't needed this morning. I was dead all over. But something caught my eye, made me wake up. It was in the reading comprehension section of the test that I found it. A particular passage about a man who was traveling somewhere. He was wearing old khakis worn down from yard work and a loose raggedy t-shirt. He had sunglasses on to cover up his eyes. He wanted to wear them everywhere so he wouldn't have to think about making a certain expression for the people around him, so he could be free from their judgment. But he couldn't wear them everywhere. Just here. And yet, from this lack of feeling and this dissconnection from the people around him he said he felt like no one at that moment but rather free from everything out on that open road. And it was a good thing. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Something about that passage struck me and I doubt I shall forget it. It took me a while to realize that I was still taking a test. Somehow I think I was meant to hear that.

I see everyone around me and it saddens me that they could be fine being like that, like everyone else. And these thoughts will probably never come to their head. I don't want to be like the rest of them but I am. I can't escape humanity. And I can't escape myself, but I want to so bad. Everything feels the same and there is such a limit on almost everything in this life. I can't quite get this out as clear as I would like and so here begins a battle in my head over my lack of perfection. Even if the truth was put as eloquently as possible I imagine I would still be unsatisfied with it. I just want so much more in everything. Everything.

Anyways if I were to get back to the point, I would say that this after reading this one passage my brain erupted in intense melodies that disrupted everything I was doing. Yes I couldn't answer question 30-35(not accurate but who cares). I just had lyrics from mewithoutYou streaming through my head with the feriocity of (something really ferious [in a good way{not like a lion trying to eat you}]). (This reminds me of a frame story, however grammaticaly pitiful it may look). I believe it was Bullet to Binary:

Let us die, let us die Dying we reply "don't talkto us about suffering, look in our eyes". Let us be, let us be- Our closeness is such that wherever she rests her head in the softness underneath, she'll feel me - and you will feel me.

I'm now somewhat taken aback that those are the right lyrics as I was hearing something slightly different. Mostly just repetitions of "you'll feel me! you'll feel me!". These words were screaming inside my head and any minute it could have imploded but it didn't because l looked at the clock and realized something. Five minutes left to finish the reading comprehension section.

I do wonder what this could possibly mean. That sudeen outburst of beautiful noise in my head, I mean.

Also the other weird thing that happened was I suddenly tasted fresh peaches in my mouth. No, I didn't eat any, but I would have wanted to after that. So now I will not rest till I get fresh peaches. I suppose I'll have to wait till summer again. Bummer...