Big...then little...Big...then little. Over and over again. Oh and the look of terror inside. And yet I don't think it was terror, just an overwhelming sense of everything. And I saw myself looknig inside. This is me. Inside that black hole, a muscle expanding and contracting, there's this bright light. Oh Lord, is it bright! You are in me. But that's not what I was thinking. Something else. It was confusing. Big...then little...Big...then little, light then dark, light then dark, slow then fast slow then where am I going? What's going on here? Oh I know it all! I've seen it! It's all here.

But will they know?

Ever know everything at once and know nothing at all? I do! I have!
Everything makes so much sense till it makes no sense at all.

I was talking about my eye there, the pupil. But it's more than that. If you dipped your hand inside and reached into my head, well, your hand would come out stained with every sort of color you've ever seen and not seen before. Inside you'd feel a great rush, and then nothing at all. But right now, my thoughts are desperately crawling over each other screaming to be heard and let out of that compact space. There's this one outlet, like a door, I'm not sure where it is at the moment and if it's locked or not, but this door is being pounded down every second I waste thinking of how to put this nicely. What do I do? I can't seem to put it in words. So when this moment passes in the next few seconds or so, quicker than you can say "Emily you're interesting but I need to go now", this might be all that's left of it all. How sad. How so numbingly sad.

I just finished seeing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Oh!

If you want to know the concrete things that happened today I'll list them in order fo you. Or not in order. (I'm not good with that concept.) Also I'm not good with what you think is real. It isn't and I don't even know why I called it 'concrete'. None of this is real. The only thing that's real is my Lord. But anyways...

I spent pretty much, every waking second of my life on Saturday, October 16, 2004 staring at this strange electronical device with wires hanging out the sides and backs of it. With an unhealthy glow and a slight curvature on the surface, it had a fairly geometrical shape to it, like a square with a frame and some circular buttons on the bottom.
Yes, the infamous computer.
How pitiful that one could stare at this screen for hours on end, watching the colors and pictures and sounds and yet right outside the door there's this great big world out there that this computer can never convey. Just only in the slightest. Why could I be experiencing life from a desktop instead of living it?
Damn you and my addiction to you!
My only break (but I wouldn't call it a break)from it all was when Dad called me downstairs. We went to Ballground and ate at a primitive barbeque restaurant complete with wood shavings on the floor and walls covered in dusty old tools. It felt like a tomb...with a tv and waitresses missing half their teeth. Yes, this place is called Two Brother's B-B-Q and I've been there before.
After that my dad wanted to look at trailers to haul a tractor he recently bought for a job he's doing. It was fun.
Sort of.
At one point he dropped me off at a gas station to pee. Something about the fake wood paneling, washed out deli counter and cinnamon air freshner in that place really depressed me. But I did what I had to do and it all came out okay.
Then more trailers.
Then my dad pulled into a parking lot and told me to get out of the car. What? I said. Why? I said. He said he needed to pee. I told him there were plenty of places to do that around here. But he didn't care. He peed in a cup while I stood outside the car cringing. And then when I got back in that old familiar speech about how if I only had a penis life would be so much easier, started.
I got home and I talked to Tom. I'd been talking to him most of the day anyways, which was completely awesome as usually, only it was one of those days where neither of us had anything to say and we couldn't even make it flow. Somehow I'm never bothered. I know we're connected. A computer can't make us lose that connection either.
I drew the most awesome picture. If only I could post it here.
And also Tom drew a picture of something that started to resemble fallopian tubes in a state of psychedelia. And I was lost in a bundle of colorful telephone lines. And he was in the fallopian tubes. But I reached down and pulled him up, with the mighty strength that I get when I believe in it. And then I shallow-fied it and drew Speedy the Sperm.

My quote of the day:
"I don't know where you are, but you better not get in the way of the mentrustral cycle."