It smells of instant mashed potatoes.

Everything seems extrodinarily magical tonight. No, not magical, just...real. I don't know how to describe it. Kind of like a sad movie that makes you cry when you never do, and that feeling of striking a match in the dark and lighting a candle, everything feels candlelit. And I actually feel like I have something inside my chest, I think I can feel my heart, as if it's always been absent until now. And I feel like kissing someone. I was close to feeling. But I was alone and always alone.
I watched this show, Joan of Arcadia, it always makes me feel this way. Like I want to be in love. Yes I do. And maybe I am, but I'm still alone. I wish Tom was here. I feel pathetic to care about him, but I can't help myself. I get attactched to people I don't know. If I could talk to him right now, it would mean the world to me, although not to him. I think I can feel something and I want to feel something to talk to him. It just breaks my heart though.
I guess this is like the Friday night hippy feeling, but not really. I want to hug a tree, but I'm afraid. It's dark and cold and wet outside and somehow I don't think hugging a tree would make me feel any less alone. It won't feel candlelit out there anyways. Just a harsh broken world out there in my front yard.

Eh, I'm glad Alex isn't here at the moment. I can't wait till he comes and then when he's here I can't wait till he goes. He's such a nasty arrogant person, too caught up in himself and what he thinks he's all about. I wonder when it's going to come tumbling down. God help him.

Yesterday I found myself staring into a camera, with a drawn on moustache and a bowler hat, fins on my feet, an apron I found in the laundry room, some googles, a scarf and my Mind the Gap hat. And I asked myself, "Self, how did you get here?" And then myself answered back, "Why I'm MAD of course!" in a jovial sort of chortle (good word by the way). Or perhaps I just wanted to make this dear boy with longish hair, piercing eyes and a fondness for color on another continent chortle too. And he will whenever I can show him that I am indeed insane.

I want to go to bars more often on weeknights and listen to the poor lonely drunk guys talk about life. You learn a lot that way you know. I do at least. Of course it isn't cool when they stare at me constantly and ask me about movies I haven't seen, but hey! my new philosophy is you've gotta try everything at least once. Or some things. That will be my excuse for why I haven't cleaned the kitchen or I'm failing math and chemistry or why I haven't moved in several hours or why I was on the floor grunting and saying someting closely translating to "Nah Nah wha!". Ah, even now I am chortling. Heh heh.

You know this is a good color. And so is this and this and this and this and this...

And I believe that's it for tonight folks. I really didn't have anything to say to begin with. And I just want to end this with something profound, but my brain doesn't seem to like me and my heart is in overdrive but won't spill out. Indeed I've been holdng tears back, trying to hold my breath, sometimes that works. I had to hide in my room from Alex so he wouldn't hear me if I did make a sound because he told me to go away and not to mope around about how I don't have anything to study with for exams.
Anyways,

God be with you. Really.