Movement!

Hello.

I’ve started on several journal entries over the weeks but nothing satisfied me and I didn’t have time to finish them so I saved them and here they are, for your reading pleasure and hopefully thought provocation. But really I never put much thought into these, just feeling. Is that a bad thing? I’m not good at using this bowling ball on my shoulders; it only leads me astray from what is truly real. Anyways, you’ll notice my evident friendliness as I enjoy saying hello to you people. I could also be pleasing my mother by being pleasantly fake. Yay! Let’s call them movements, so I’ll look all artistic and stuff. Won’t I?

Movement of the hope cloud:

I am sad.

I clear up the emotions but they start back up everyday.I wish I could update this more often, but every time I see this blank screen it overwhelms me and I give up. I can't put my life into words so easily and I don't want to sound like everyone else. This must be a masterpiece. And I don't care if I'm hard on myself about it. That's just the way I am. Also I am not in a writing mood or a thinking mood.I hate everything I think about and everything I think and feel seems wrong. And I don't feel God's face on my life anymore. Something just feels out of place. And there's no feeling in anything. And nothing worth living for when I keep asking myself, "well, what next?" because I'm never satisfied with anything anymore. I judge people and I hate. I really don't like this, but it feels like all the passion I once had is being taken away. And I keep tripping on myself over my mistakes. They tell me my only purpose of living here "is to stay a bit longer". I really don't see why anymore when no one actually gives me a real purpose. But God, every time I start doubting this You show up and remind me it’s okay. And really okay in this case is defined as peace that passes all understanding. And also friends that love me. Or even this beautiful little boy I saw at Moe’s the other day. I wanted to hug him and squeeze all the cuteness out of him. But I think I would have only managed squeezing his guts out, so I restrained myself. And also my father was talking about killing himself so it was hard to concentrate on the beauty of this particular little boy. But anyways, God I thank you.

Movement of the nothing rock:

It's one of those days again. I see all the warning signs evident right now. I'm thinking. Conjuring up thoughts to kill myself with. Oh Lord save me from myself!But I feel so distant from You. Feeling I guess, shouldn't be a concern. You are very present even when I don't feel it.
But anyways, I'm thinking...
I'm thinking no one really cares.
I'm just this person.
I'm just this warm body in this cold world doing nothing like everyone else but warming it up by standing here. I can't really say that's warming it up. Not in a beneficial way.
Everyone is busy.
I'm ridicuously selfish.
I'm confused constantly.
Nothing is the same.
I feel quite worthless.
No life and no purpose.
No one really knows me or wants to know me or really wants to be my friend. They're just there to say 'hey' and leave. And maybe they think that's fine. And maybe I'm being ungrateful for all those people that love me. But I really don't feel any love at all from anyone. And the sad thing is just as I said that Edric IMed me a little computerized heart thing. But it only looks like symbols and letters and marks that once separated are just 'meaningless ornamental designs'.Well it never meant anything to a mind busy focusing on hating myself.
I really need to quit using mewithoutYou lyrics in everything I say.
If I add that I'm only doing this to get someone to feel sorry for me then maybe I'll come off as more humble or something because I can admit that. But it's been done before and it always proves that I'm also saying that to get people to feel sorry for me.
Anyways, I'm thinking...this night will not be good.

But it was!

(I can’t remember now what ‘was’)

Movement of the hoosiewhatsy:

Hello.Random is such an appealing word to teenagers. And yet nothing we do is entirely random. And I wish I could stop saying that word because I feel like I hopped on the bandwagon of lameness. Like totally!!111I had a conversation, it went like this:
Person: and then...Me: it seeped into the pants. Person: and burst out that little pocket that nobody uses!Me: Where all the coins go to hide when you need them. coins go to hide when you need Person: which is what it wanted to find, but mysteriously, something, or rather... someone got to the coins first! Me: ah, the drama Me: :and dispensed them into a Coinstar at their local grocery store to realize they had only that one coin and got 1% of a dollar as a result. It was exciting to watch their stupidity.Person: and they ran off into the nightMe: That means it must have been a penny and was worthless anyway and you shouldn't have spent your time looking for it or stealing it for that matter.Me: Oh yes, they slipped into the shadows and ran off in the that black color the earth assumes when the sun is no longer shining on it at a certain time in a 24 hour period.Me: I want a patch that says “Rage against the washing machine.”

I felt witty for five seconds there.