Random Thunks

Maybe this was all meant to stay in my head, because it doesn't particularly mean a lot, it's mostly the usual stream of thoughts. But I don't really care about my thoughts seeming pretty and meaningful today.

I wrote some thoughts down on a piece of paper which said, "Tom! (Applause!)" on the front so I wouldn't have to remember to think about them again. But I'm thinking: Symbolically, what's the difference between hunger and thirst? For example: "The thirst for knowledge" or "A hunger that was never satisfied". Is it the same as a thirst not quenched? Really what is the difference I wonder.
I suppose these are one in the same and the sort of symboliogy we weren't meant to ask about.

I'm thinking about the name Zelda. What would that be like? I went into a touristy general store today with a machine that had a mechanical old lady named Zelda the fortune teller and she wanted 25 cents.

I'm thinking what it would be like to have a mentally retarded sibling. See, I had this sudden urge today to yell out "LAKE!" in the car as we passed over a lake. But I'm thinking the shrill volume and the suddeness of this would have caused my mom to slam on the brakes and my brother to slap me over me head. I restrained myself from doing so with this thought, but it inspired another thought. What if I was mentally retarded? Then this sort of outburst would be normal and almost expected of someone with the mentality of a two year old. My family might grimace but there would be no outward violence unleashed upon me since I wouldn't be able to help myself. Instead my family would have to be considerably tolerant of my behavior and reassuringly say "Yes sweetie, a lake".

Another thing I thunk was a stream. Yes a stream of thoughts but why the word stream? I looked at a stream in someone's yard. It cut through the grass and ran into the woods with what I thought must be a statue situated by the side, a statue of a virgin Mary probably wondering the same thing I was: Why are we so fascinated with water? It's one of those questions I know the answer to and thus I can answer promptly in my mind: It's a clear, sparkling substance like flowing liquid diamonds but more precious as we live by it. And then I thought of God.

We went to Brasstown Bald today, Georgia's highest mountain. It was pointless really because it was so overcast so there was nothing to see at the top. Near the parking lot though, there was this awesome pine tree that reminded me of turtles. So I cut a piece off and took is home with me to cherish and touch and feel whenever I want to.

We went to a waterfall also. Alex and I climbed up the side of it. I was standing next to the waterfall stroking the needles of some pine tree and I wanted to hug it and say "Here I am Lord! I see You. You're pretty much all I can see. You're green and smooth needles attached to gnarled braches with deep roots in a rich dark soil that I almost slipped on.

I thought of sex a lot also, but not exactly in the horny teen way. But this will still embarrass me later when I read it again and realize what I said.
Mountain trails make me think of sex. I always think of running through the woods with someone and making out with them against a tree, kind of like that scene in Lost and Delirious but they were mostly having sex, thrusting themselves against a tree. It would have seemed highly unromantic and kind of barbaric, but then it was okay and seemed lovely for a moment. And then I had this thought: I was in the woods, naked, with a guy(faceless and nameless, sort of) , tangled in his arms under a blanket, our bodies keeping warm with each other and our genitals touching every now and then. And in the car I thought of this person again just laying next to me somewhere. And damn my imagination because I could not make out the details on his face, but I knew who he was. I just won't say here. So I made him smile at me and hold my hand, and then his face became clear but his hair, his hair was a blur. Funny how this works when you want a person to be there so bad that you can make their presence in your imagination but somehow it keeps slipping. At this point there was a cold draft flowing right onto me and my thoughts became scattered again.

AT this point I thinkof Aaron Weiss. I was trying to find some way to befriend him. In my thoughts we discussed all the sorts of things I can never seem to say to anyone that will understand me, and there'll be tears in our eyes. And we'll say "Yes, Lord, here we are!". And we'll hug and laugh and cry all over again. And he puts on a racoon skin cap and dances around to the music he makes. I always find myself having rehearsed conversations with him in my mind. And oh the joy we'll share together when we don't have to rehearse anymore. And "burn so poor and lonely". And then my mind tells me I can't do this with him and that it will never happen.

I thought of Jesus then. The Passion movie where he says:

"See, Mother, I make all things new"

Something about that line, of course the meaning itself is wonderful, but the way he says it sends a light tingly pixie dust on me and I feel tears behind my eyes. It's like that feeling during the highest point of a song where it all just becomes so intense and you want to keep that feeling but aren't sure what to do with it. But now if I just replay it over and over again I think I might find all of life's answers wash over me in that moment of great love. I think of Edric around this point. He'll be sitting next to me watching the movie, but I can't imagine beyond there. I don't know how he'll sit or the look on his face. But suddenly I'll prostrate myself on the floor beside the sofa and cry a river of tears every now and then choking out my Father's name. I really wouldn't know how to say anything else at this point. And then I'd be ashamed of myself in reality for Edric to see me. But in my thoughts he'd lay there beside me and hold my hand, be comforting in some way, and wait for it to pass. But I would still feel awkward and strange there so that thought was brushed aside for something else, nothing I think.

I've been doing such silly things lately in an attempt to look profound or passionate. And I've been doing it in an attempt to reconcile with this void in my life. I've been telling it to go away but egging it on at the same time. I was told this was a desert experience and that I'm being tested. But how long must I endure? I don't like not being able to drink and quench my thirst and stumbling through the sands of some distant yet familiar land that I see everyone else walking on blindly. And I'm scared I'm going to enjoy it soon. Okay, so this didn't sound profound either. Another silly attempt to sound meaningful or something.

This journal entry was written last week when I all the sudden stumbled upon an enlightening state of mind in the midst of a family trip up to the mountains, which is never enlightening unless I can be alone. So it was odd that I finally felt okay. And I meant to write this down in my thoughts: "God is love. And love is real. And I know this, just forgetting. "
Well I guess I forgot again.
But I also thought to write: "And I love you all with every feeling and non-feeling I can grasp. I'd like to believe love isn't a feeling anyways. So maybe I don't have to grasp anything, but your hands or hearts. And maybe I can lose a grasp of this so-called reality with love for you people like Tommy and Eddy and those who don't mind a blubbering idiot intoxicated with love for them. "

And well, my mind is wandering again as I write this, but I'll have to put it aside because it won't look dramatic talking about eagle feathers and the name Zelda after what I just meant to use as my dramatic ending. Damnit.