"I'm on the sad sad of a nowhere town"

Hello.

I went to the mewithoutYou concert last Monday. Twas wonderful, but I felt nothing.
Aaron had on a racoon tail hat and sweated more than a normal person should, but that's okay. I liked looking at those beady eyes full of love and conviction and wondering if I could be the same way. Oh you could feel the joy and excitement he had as he did his weird little dances and held up his props and covered his head in a towel and threw leaves out on us. I wish they could have been flowers but that was okay anyways. I got some in my hair. At one point I almost cried singing, "My Lord, how long to sing this song? And my Lord, how much more of this pretending to be strong?". I saw him look up towards the ceiling and smile and I wished I could have done the same, but all I could do was remember "singing this song" and it seems neverending. But anyways after the show I waited about half an hour because people kept getting in front of me, but I finally got to talk to this Aaron person. And I was nervous and shaking and I felt stupid to be doing that, because he's just a person. But I'm not sure what it was I was nervous about. I've always wanted to meet him. I didn't know what to say though. I remember before talking to him, Edric and Josie and Alex's friend Lauren kept talking out loud behind him. "Emily tell him you love him and want to have his babies!" "Poke him in the back with this" "Steal his hat" "Steal that drum case" "He smells, doesn't he?". Josie introduced me to him and all I could think of to say was thank you. But then that sounded kind of awkward so I said why. I thanked him for being who he was and playing the only music that actually means something to me out of everything out there. He was humble about it and said he is only what the Lord made him to be, or something like that. (Oh, Lord, why can't I be humble?) I told him how people shake my beliefs constantly and how hard it is to live like this, constantly doubting and feeling so distant. He told me about Paul writing those letters in prison about being content in any situation, he told me to never become comfortable with my situation and he said there's always room on the bottom for all of us. How amazing God has lifted us up from that pit!
Anyways, Aaron signed my shirt and I smelled it. It smelled sort of like pot and cigarettes, but that was okay.
After the concert we piled into the car and went to Waffle House because apparently that's what everyone should do after a concert even if they've eaten before. On the way Lauren and Alex really hurt my feelings. Confused me even more about what to believe and think and feel. They said they weren't into my 'scene'. How dare they assume that this is a scene. They said some other things that hurt, but mostly because they just looked so foolish and they didn't realize it. But I don't want to be butting heads here, because to each other we both lookj foolish and we both are to be arguing about this. If anything to argue my point would be to shut my mouth and be humble, but I no longer seem to have a point anymore. I can't be who I should be, I can't say the things I want to say and all the sudden that night some mwY lyrics made complete and absolute sense.

"But there's a call to love my brother than can never be destroyed however much you talk. However well you talk, it makes a certain sense but still it's only stupid talk. However much a I strut around, however loud I sing, the shining One inside me won't say anything."
"You dance inside my chest where no one sees You, but sometimes I see You"

I no longer feel His dancing inside my chest, but sometimes I remember when I did and I wonder if I'll ever have the Lord in my heart again. Bitter, shallow, judgemental, ignorant, confused, unfatihful, closed up, and dark, no my heart is no dancing ground anymore and I haven't seem to have done anything about it but think about it. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel nothing and I have no faith. I know how I should be, I know how wonderful it is to have God in my life and put my trust in Him, but somehow I'm becoming indifferently blind. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Perhaps I took Him for granted, perhaps I thought that was all there is and took it on from there by myself. But even how many times I told people "it's not me, it's the Lord", I don't think I honestly believed it. I think I liked myself better. And this is what I get. I want to be on my knees ready to take my life for what I've done, I want to be so honest and give myself up to Him, but something about me won't let me. I cry almost everyday, but there's no substance to my tears. The only thing left is a sadness that can't ever be expressed, but always supressed. I"m never sure what to do with it. No one understands no matter how I explain, no matter what I say or do perhaps because they blindly harbor the same sort of sadness or perhaps because they have more faith in God than I to know that this won't last forever or maybe they are just enamored with who I used to be to accept that I might have changed. Either way, I'm alone. So Lord come to this lone soul tonight and create in me a new heart. I don't want to sing this 'song' anymore.

In other news, I just saw "Super Size Me" and I am completely sick with our society (more than usual). Mostly with myself I suppose. I just finished eating cheese tortellini with cheese sauce before I saw the documentary...But anyways, everything just seems to scream out louder and louder everyday that the end is nearer and nearer.

Also Alex rearranged all the furniture in the living room and now it's a wreck. The Chi has been cut off and I want it back.

And one other seriously important thing is that I just found out today that my mother used to give me vodka as a baby. She used to to numb my gums when I was teething and she would just use a swab to apply some alcohol to my gums but still! That wasn't a big deal as it was when my dad decided to do it. He ended up giving me a good amount down my throat when my mother wasn't around. Ah!