Broken square life
Hello there.
I honestly don't know why I update this when I have nothing to say, but perhaps we'll just see about that. I'm not in a philosophical mood, however I have been looking in the bible. Not sure why. I don't often do this, sadly. I guess I needed some glimmer of hope in written form. But I have seen hope today. I'm not sure how it came about. I just opened the mailbox today. There was nothing in it. So I stood there rubbing my nose against it and then studying the grains of sand in the cement and scratching some of it off. The weather felt lovely for that moment. And I just stood there, thinking to myself "What am I looking for? Whatever it is, I'm okay. I hope God is here." And then I skipped down the driveway and stood on the boat and pulled leaves out of the tarp and put them on the dog. And then I ran down the driveway with my arms flailing at my sides and I closed my eyes for a moment, but not too long because running down my driveway blinded is not a safe thing. So then I thought about what I was going to do next, go inside of course, root around for some food and spend the rest of my day sitting in front of the computer waiting for something to happen. Normally this sad reality depresses me but today it didn't. I don't know what it was. As I've mentioned in my other entries here I'm basically dead and clawing on the threshold of what I know to be life and I want it back. So I'm losing a sense of myself and finding it ever harder to say anything. But now from the moment I reached my mailbox something changed. Not completely, just some sort of sense of release and I know something is going to happen soon. Probably in March, but I don't know for sure. I guess this is up to the will of God. Wouldn't he lift me from this way of life? I realized the other day after listening to a program on the radio that I might have a slight case of synthesia. I have no clue how to spell that, but anyways I see my months in a shape. I won't bother to describe this as I'm too lazy to at the moment but anyways my year is cut up into pieces and forms a shape like a backwards C. The top where my January through spring is located is especially blurry and hard to understand and cut off from December and the rest of the end of the year. But now, now it's becoming clearer. I'm moving along my fractured square of life and somehow it doesn't seem so bad, for a moment anyways. This idea manifested itself in a conversation I had with Tom this afternoon, although I probably won't get into the actual idea that I presented but more of an idea of hope, which he didn't understand like I did, and I only vaguely remember what it is.
Tom: I hope for things all the time.
Me: It's not the same kind as I'm talking about then.
Tom: Elaborate on yours then....
Me:
^^Let's forget that part, and move on to the intial point of making this journal, I found a defintion in the bible for hope. Well, sort of.
Romans 8:24:
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?"
1 Corinthians 15:18-20:
"Then those also have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. If only for this life we have hope in Christ, then we are to be pitied more than all men.
But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep."
Just think about it I suppose. My brain capacity won't allow me to attempt to explain such things at this time of night. So there you go. I left you nowhere, but it's not so bad is it? I mean I still feel like I've been left nowhere, but now it's not so bad, and I'm hoping this isn't a bad thing. I certainly don't want to enjoy this, as I've described it before, "The fractured way of life" and get used to it. Anyways changes are going to happen and I can't put my finger on it partly because my life is in some sort of trance I can't get out of right now and also I am literally in a trance due to exhaustion from sitting here so long, my eyes are starting to cross.
So, what to leave you with here I wonder. Always love. Love to you from me(at least I can try my best).
P.S.
And here's some color just to make this seem slightly cheerful in case you didn't catch it in my writing above.
I honestly don't know why I update this when I have nothing to say, but perhaps we'll just see about that. I'm not in a philosophical mood, however I have been looking in the bible. Not sure why. I don't often do this, sadly. I guess I needed some glimmer of hope in written form. But I have seen hope today. I'm not sure how it came about. I just opened the mailbox today. There was nothing in it. So I stood there rubbing my nose against it and then studying the grains of sand in the cement and scratching some of it off. The weather felt lovely for that moment. And I just stood there, thinking to myself "What am I looking for? Whatever it is, I'm okay. I hope God is here." And then I skipped down the driveway and stood on the boat and pulled leaves out of the tarp and put them on the dog. And then I ran down the driveway with my arms flailing at my sides and I closed my eyes for a moment, but not too long because running down my driveway blinded is not a safe thing. So then I thought about what I was going to do next, go inside of course, root around for some food and spend the rest of my day sitting in front of the computer waiting for something to happen. Normally this sad reality depresses me but today it didn't. I don't know what it was. As I've mentioned in my other entries here I'm basically dead and clawing on the threshold of what I know to be life and I want it back. So I'm losing a sense of myself and finding it ever harder to say anything. But now from the moment I reached my mailbox something changed. Not completely, just some sort of sense of release and I know something is going to happen soon. Probably in March, but I don't know for sure. I guess this is up to the will of God. Wouldn't he lift me from this way of life? I realized the other day after listening to a program on the radio that I might have a slight case of synthesia. I have no clue how to spell that, but anyways I see my months in a shape. I won't bother to describe this as I'm too lazy to at the moment but anyways my year is cut up into pieces and forms a shape like a backwards C. The top where my January through spring is located is especially blurry and hard to understand and cut off from December and the rest of the end of the year. But now, now it's becoming clearer. I'm moving along my fractured square of life and somehow it doesn't seem so bad, for a moment anyways. This idea manifested itself in a conversation I had with Tom this afternoon, although I probably won't get into the actual idea that I presented but more of an idea of hope, which he didn't understand like I did, and I only vaguely remember what it is.
Tom: I hope for things all the time.
Me: It's not the same kind as I'm talking about then.
Tom: Elaborate on yours then....
Me:
^^Let's forget that part, and move on to the intial point of making this journal, I found a defintion in the bible for hope. Well, sort of.
Romans 8:24:
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?"
1 Corinthians 15:18-20:
"Then those also have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. If only for this life we have hope in Christ, then we are to be pitied more than all men.
But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep."
Just think about it I suppose. My brain capacity won't allow me to attempt to explain such things at this time of night. So there you go. I left you nowhere, but it's not so bad is it? I mean I still feel like I've been left nowhere, but now it's not so bad, and I'm hoping this isn't a bad thing. I certainly don't want to enjoy this, as I've described it before, "The fractured way of life" and get used to it. Anyways changes are going to happen and I can't put my finger on it partly because my life is in some sort of trance I can't get out of right now and also I am literally in a trance due to exhaustion from sitting here so long, my eyes are starting to cross.
So, what to leave you with here I wonder. Always love. Love to you from me(at least I can try my best).
P.S.
And here's some color just to make this seem slightly cheerful in case you didn't catch it in my writing above.
posted by Em at 10:39 PM
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