I amn't!

And this will be a random thoughts thread because my head has been swarming with them over the past couple of weeks but I've not yet found a way to express them. This will not be the way.

I think I'm going to be quiet and keep my mouth shut from now on. See, I'm sitting here in the car outside a restaurant I would rather not go in. My parents are inside. I'm sure it's warm and comfortable in there. In a way I feel like the little match girl, except that I don't have anything but a notepad. (notice I wrote this when I wasn't on the computer) Hopefully this means I won't die in a heap outside the door of this restaurant. I can see it now. What if I went out in the grass over there? I want to prostrate myself and pray. They'll find my body later, frozen, small, and pale. And now I'm imagining a CSI episode. "Look at the discoloration of her lips. Hmm...looks like this could be...Murder!" But I'm still here shivering and trying to figure out why my eyes want to cry. And somehow things from a different perspective would change everything, I always think. "If I could just freeze to death out there by that hotel, everything would become clear and life would all come flooding back or maybe it would just be all new". Unfortunately the freezing to death part makes the rest of it a bit difficult.
There's this little yapper dog in the car next to me and he's yapping. Apparently this is cute for people who dont' have to endure the yapping for an extended period of time. I see them. They come up and talk to the dog before they go in. One man had a conversation with it. I guess the pitiful creature was lonely.
I don't want to start this sentence with "I" but I just did. I'm dark, hidden in a hoodie while passersby still stare. There's a lovely family here who can't seem to decide if they want to leave the restaurant or not.
There's a hotel nearby where all the windows are dark except for one with the blueish glow of a tv screen. I wish I knew what they were watching. I would change the channel for them.
I wrote all this just to mention the glow of the TV screen.
I keep sitting here judging everything alive, being thoroughly dissatisfied with it. I'm scowling, thinking "Ugh, look at those people eat! They're not allowed to do that!"

I wrote that all in my mom's little notebook she keeps in the car to record updates on oil changes and such, but she never uses it so I wrote that all over the cover of it in case she didn't know she didn't use it.

And now to be totally unoriginal I shall copy and paste almost everything that sounded right for a moment this week.

You know more than one person likes Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. I am not alone.

I'm drinking black tea. Not really but that's what it's called. It's more like chai tea except that I didn't add milk.

I'm thinking of tummies now. Your's and mine and that person's and those other people's.

But the problem now is blogger never lets me paste. So...I'd have to pretend to quote Tom's biomatter waste stories or stuff about glowing hamsters or well nothing. Nothing happened. I've been incredibly depressed today as the sun started setting. Tom never got online and this made it worse. The only one I really want to share my thoughts with. This means thoughts have been lost and my heart is aching for my dear boy. Yes, I like to pretend he's mine. But he's not. How easily I forget these things. I assume ownership over everything and then wonder why it hurts so much to have it taken away. Anyways, Tommy is a blessing to me and a gift. Now if he'd just reveal himself at this ungodly hour. Of course for European insomniacs like him, it would be ideal.

Everything is so much the same I don't much feel like being anyone anymore. All the good parts have been taken, the good bands have been found, the fashions, the faces, the thoughts, the writing, the everything, it's all been done before. So I'm finding it hard to find a purpose for myself. I'm already getting an idea of what it's going to be like. Nothing like I've imagined. Nothing my parents would be proud of, at least not my mom. Mostly alone, mostly sadness, always yearning for something this world can't offer me. We humans are so blurry. Why is this called clarity? Why is this accepted as concrete? I don't understand. Nothing they say satisfies my hunger. I feel like Job, except I'm not righteous at all. I'm waiting to be knocked senseless on my face.

Now other things that must be mentioned before I retire are my parents now have almost free plane tickets to anywhere Delta flies. Glee! But no, time is a problem. And the parents will want to go to a beach or national park somewhere instead of Tom. Tom is my place and I'm going there. Just don't know how, but this could have made it suddenly really conveinent.

Another thing is that I found out a male friend I've had is really female. My relationship is now upside down and I feel as if I don't know them at all. I can't really accurately say how dissappointing and strange this is. But I guess that's what happens with internet people. I didn't really want to tell anyone because then they'd say "I told you so."


And that's it for the moment. Until my brain refuses to function again yet is adament about producing crap anyways, God bless you my dear journal readers. May you be knocked over the head with an anvil of clarity and truth so you can spare me the pain and just tell me. Or something like that. I promise it shouldn't hurt too bad. I think.

And I'm off.