Nonononononono

There are so many things coming up soon that are going to test me. They'll require me to be sincere and passionate and profound and serious and on time and brave and smart and impressive. I'm so worried that I'm going to put it off till it's too late and then end up having nothing to say for myself. I am so worried about not fully representing myself and so scared of opening my mouth when I have nothing to say. Oh God have mercy and be with me and take my words away and replace them with Yours.

I swear about half an hour ago I was having a laugh fit about something that wasn't that funny and now I'm just bawling after reading something. It wasn't that I read it either. It didn't mean anything serious to me. But now I'm covered in snot and tears and I don't know why.

I don't really understand how this applies to anyone who actually reads this but I hope they care.

I have two propositions to make. I call them propositions because I want to use that word at the moment. They aren't really propositions. Anyways the first is this:

Things Tom Says Often:
hehe
yayy
yus
ar
arb
yar
EMB
emememememememem
ay up
nooo
boo
boobie(s)
lo
nup
alas/alas sire/naysire
kay
nowt
chomp
Ooh
this is saddening
eek
eep
oi
it's all subjective
blarg
horray

Also:
I found some red clay.

And I did the only logical thing I could do.

But something was missing.
There!

I feel really alone right now

I do.

Just some thoughts.

I think that the cause of traffic should be the great amount of people helping out whoever had the stalled or wrecked car. Instead it's just people staring.

I think that's kind of sad. Although no traffic at all would be pretty good but that's not very realistic. So how do we live with this? Do we continue to back up cars by staring and going on our way or do we take part in the "suffering"? Taking part means we know what it's like and can commiserate and perhaps do something about it like alleviate the suffering. When we remain an outsider we can't do much.

I think most people have a conscience.They're just too scared to do anything. Maybe someone else has to do it for us. I do not know. But it makes some sense since we are so helpless most of the time.

This reminds me of something. I won't say though just because it's incredibly fun to just insinuate or suggest things instead even if I did it pretty obviously.

So apparently this thing is supposed to be updated.

Okay then. Something I have learned/thought about recently:
Why try?
I don't think my life is about trying to figure out right and wrong, those come along the way if I am able to dicern clearly. I've just observed all these people, like religious ones, who spend their life trying to apply labels on what is right and wrong. And then there's all these people that don't think that's right and so they turn away from it all and decide there is no point to anything anymore, and right and wrong is in the mind. Maybe they are both right, but honestly I don't think I can waste any more time thinking about these labels and which group I should belong to. Strangely enough, this week I got sent an email about this sermon Bono gave to the President and some other people. And he said in it that basically we need to get involved in what God has already blessed, like the poor(and his specific example was all the starving people in Africa) instead of doing what we feel and asking God to bless it. Honestly that doesnt' make sense. Since we're imperfect and wrong about everything it's just a waste to assume that God is going to bless what you're doing.
So anyways, this is just what I've thought about and it's sort of tied in with all this pressure lately I get with school work and competition in school and choosing a college and ultimately the direction for the rest of my life with a well fitted career. I suppose there's still a pressure to succeed, but now it's more directed to what's most important and that is to serve my Lord, not myself and not others. I mean there is no point to try to succeed, get to the top, and then die. That's how life goes, especially in this highly competitive captialist society I live in. So I'm still stuck on what others tell me must be very important to me and what my heart tells me is most important. I don't want to go anywhere in this society and yet I am still dragged along with it and I know that sometimes it's by my own will. I guess I can't be right. I don't know what I really mean to say here. These thoughts haven't completely formed into nice little boxy shapes I can hold in my hands and turn around and around again till I get it. None will. It's something hard for me to accept but I'll have to. The rest of my life I'm going to have to be constantly reminded of these things I forget, and constantly reminded I don't get it at all and I'm so small. Damn human condition.
Please have mercy Lord. It's one of those things where I don't know what to think, say, do, be and I wrote it down here and now I'm stuck with trying to find an ending and I always think if I just ended it like Aaron Weiss and say "G-d have mercy on us!" it would end perfectly, but that's not me. I don't think about that and I don't care and I think it's probably best to just get that out instead of lying to You and myself. How could I ever deceive You anyways? I'm sorry. I think that's the best I can do and still be a little honest because I know it makes me feel rather inadequate and crappy. It translates to something like sorry.

Exhaustion

Extreme exhaustion from spiritual overload and a bit of making a fool of myself and running wild in front of many peoples and being very upset and hiding and crying and bashing head. But do not worry. With some grace this can become very good and I will make it through rather refreshed. I am really hoping this would be that point where the change would start and I would stop. But whatever is necessary.

Noah's Ark

I have put these four pictures here mostly for the sake of updating but also to see if anyone actually looks at this. If you do I think it might be fun if you leave me 5 words that instantly come to mind about each picture because that would be interesting. And yes. Now do it.

Also if you have a thought on fire eating or sword swallowing or Noah's Ark please share. Other thoughts are welcome too as long as you use one of those words.

Cold

It is cold.

Need warmth.

My throat is dry, my stomach is full, people liked my cheesecake, this was a strange day, I can't remember, concert tomorrow, I owe $21, okay bye bye.

Waking Life.

An abundance of things to say.

Ah. I feel like I've been on one long exhausting acid trip. I've thought these things before, at least most of them, and dreams seem like that somewhat, and there was an idea in there of what I'm writing a speech on, but what am I trying to supposed to think, what am I supposed to do, what is the director proposing to me in this movie? It's like a dream in that, yeah, it looked much like an acid trip and I couldn't concentrate on any one thing and it looked like a Monet painting, and all these images and psuedo intellectual information was being presented just like life in a way except in healthier doses maybe, BUT! putting them splat all together gives me an overall headache and confusion and I didn't get what I felt I was supposed to get from this. Or maybe it just wasn't like any other movie and that was hard to accept. Anyways I am left confused and blanking out and dizzy and scared to go to sleep tonight for fear of a never ending dream. But! what if I'm supposed to feel that way, maybe that is life. What do I do with it? Oh yes, I could go through that endless stream of information again which seemed so familiar and made sense when I could concentrate but that really seems a waste. Another enternity, but constricted by exhausting damned time. So now I'd like to end life and wake up but I'm afraid of something I've never experienced before. I'm afraid it could end up like that restless dream and so I give up. Yet again I fall back into time another thousand years until my time to go.

This isn't the original. It was much better before. Gosh darn. Um so no, I don't want to type anymore. It's starting to look more and more like Waking Life and my tired head begs me to stop.

An abundance of things to say or not say.

I do not like tuna fish. If I did I would eat it. But I do not.

It gives me such delight.
I think I am like the color green. It grows on trees and is sometimes chewy. Sometimes I like repetition. But most times I do not. It is painful. Chris is home. His eyes are very blue. And there's many other things to say. Sometimes everyone is a gerbil vender. I lost my eyes. I lost my eyes. I lost my eyes. Love is a chicken breast, all smooth and large and white and awkward. But honestly it is not awkward. I like chicken. Especially when someone else has cooked it. Tom is a catepillar these days. I do not like the smell of Halloween candy which is why I traded it in for the smell of pot and BO. Concierta! I will not tell you about it. though because I have already told you about it. I like coconut soup. I wish I could stop thinking about feets. I am not really thinking about feets though I am only thinking of the sentence I wish I could stop thinking about feets. I am not even really thinking about the sentence I wish I could stop thinking about feets though, I am merely repeating it silently in my head. But it is not silent because it is getting louder to a point I might just say it to my mom when she gets home. I sat in an ant pile today. The rest of the day was itchy. And my scalp tingles lots. I think love is good. And anything that is good is only because of love. Some people think I'm just crazy because I am not logical. Apparently. Apparently I am not logical. Logical. Logical. I think Matthew is a nice person. I have not done anything but write sentences and words. Words, I have come to realize have no meaning anymore and like Bright Eyes, we speak with ruined tongues and the words we say weren't meant for anyone. But I do not like Bright Eyes and I was trying in my mind last night or the night before, whenever I decided to take a shower, to justify why I do not like Bright Eyes. I do not like the phrase I've got nothing left to lose. It's bothersome. We've only ever had nothing. Something had to be given to us. But we've never owned it. "My life is a cup of sugar I borrowed before time began and forgot to return". It's endless. Sick cycle carousel. I remember that song. And I was the only person who ever liked it. A whack on the head with a glass hammer. You must not move sir. I do not like grass stains but I enjoy grass juice. Squeezing it in my palms gives a sensation like no other earthly experience could come close to. Now is the time for reform. They say I am quiet. I say I have nothing to say. As you can see. Words mean nothing. Not anymore. I do not like them. I just write them. The points and lines and dashes and slashes look like pretty pictures though. And so that's okay. I think I will move to Scotland. I do not have any sock puppets. If I did I could have put one on my arm and raised it above my head and shouted. At an FIF concierta. Some things are left better off unexplained. Glue sticks do not work. My feline beast has entered the room. And she has said my popularity polls do not look good. I think raspberries are good. But mostly I just think God is good. I have a piece of feta cheese in my hair. I think I need a middle school boy zapper. We'll make great pets.

I need you to remember. I need you to know. Something very important:
Exclamation points only come in 1's and 3's. People are only good and real in 1's and 2's. And God is love. And He IS.