Oh the things I was going to do!

Oh!

I was going to dance about or rather flail myself around like I might be dying from either extreme joy or extreme sadness like Aaron Weiss from mewithoutYou. And actually I did, but it was supposed to be in front of Edric and his friend Kenneth so as to embarass them because they're both so uptight. And also I was going to do it on webcam in front of Tom in super slow transfering speeds so that I might just look like a blur instead of an idiot or a herion addict touching and scratching myself and jumping up and down with my left arm curled up like a chicken wing. Or maybe that's what Mr. Cofield does. Can you get a visual picture here? No? Well look at this: video

I was going to to the webcam thing and bring in props like my dried up piece of pine. And it's become stiff enough that I can brush my hair with it. So I was going to do that and show Tommy. And then I was going to eat a bowl of ice cream, but no! I had a coconut popsicle, which is a good invention but not icecream and not in front of Tommy. And then I was going to lift my head up and show my neck because I like the way it looks tonight, especially the throat area. Ooh, I'm all sexy and stuff. I like those two lines like intentations in the skin I guess, that define the esophogus area. And I'm sure Tom would have liked it too. Oh the things I was going to do!

I was going to shake my leg and then the other and then I wouldn't stop and then I was going to tell somebody that that's what I was doing and isn't it great. But I am doing it now, so isn't that great?

And I was going to finish One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest because I saw Ally reading it and enjoying it and it reminded me to, but I haven't touched it yet. And I was going to pretend to take a stack of books: "Ethics" Bonhoeffer, "Naked" David Sedaris, "Wit" (it's lime green with that head I got the inspiration for to draw), and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and also Maniac Mcgee, just to slip in a shiny covered older kid's book. Oh yes, and The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstien if I only had it. But that wouldn't work because it's also lime green. Damn it. And I was gonig to take these into school and set them on my desk in literature class, but not really because I wasn't really going to do this, just for a second though I was in my head.

And I was going to enjoy a shower where I would proceed to do like old days where I would act. I would be dealing with an immense grief but I would hide it you see. No one would know, only me when I got in my shower and the grief overtook me and I buckled down to my knees with my face in my hands and cried more tears than the shower could produce water. And in other scenarios I would take down the shower curtain as I fell and the pole would fall on my head and knock me out or I would get bloodied up and pretty much bleed to death if the shower was glass. And there would always be a video camera in front of me catching my award-winning acting. And I would be the actress that would be so entirely comfortable being nude on set. And other times, (which I was going to do also!) I would be an innocent virgin girl, which I am, mind you, taking a shower, not suspecting a thing in the world. And suddenly the man of my dreams walks in suspecting nothing but I guess the shower to be running with no one in there and he opens the curtains and I freeze. I'm completely terrified and shocked yet somewhat excited and I quickly try to cover up my parts but it doesn't work well. But in this scenario my hair would be long enough to cover my breasts like that one Alanis Morisette music video except the blurry part would be covered up by my hands. And the guy looks at me and he knows he wants to do something but also knows he can't so he either closes the shower curtain and walks away chuckling to himself or he comes in the shower with his clothes on and we kiss passionately and I don't worry about looking wet and naked anymore. And so...I was going to do my acting scenario in the shower but I didn't and/or haven't yet.

And last night I was going to buy a coffee at Starbucks but I felt weird doing that for several reasons: 1.) I hate spending my own money , 2.) Edric seemed hesitant and said we ought to go back to Swayzes because my dad might be there. 3.)I didn't really want the coffee, it just seemed like the thing to do at the moment. So we ran across the road without really looking and I was trying to keep up but I can't run fast and I was like, ah! I'm going to get run over, but not really because that car up there isn't down here yet.

And I was also going to play The Sims on my computer because I felt I really should instead of playing like 8 consecutive games of spider solitaire. And then that's when Tom and Chris and some other people talked or might have talked to me. I don't remember well. But anyways I wasn't going to play The Sims after that, but I felt all restless as I do at this moment.

And I was going to chew on this piece of dried up glue that was attached to a carton of orange juice which had a straw attached to it. BUt it would have tasted like chemicals and such, or whatever is in glue or whatever that stuff is that is used to stick things to orange juice cartons that come in 6 packs with these cool straws that open up bigger and curve inwards slighty at the top so you don't cut your lip or something. But you know, I did do that. And I do have that yucky taste in my mouth. But at least I have bits of chewed up dried glue or that-stuff-that-is-used-to-stick-things-to-orange-juice-cartons-that-come-in-6-packs-with-these-cool-straws-that-open-up-bigger-and-curve-inwards-slighty-at-the-top-so-you-don't-cut-your-lip-or-something and they have these tiny bite marks that look like zebra stripes on them. And oh, that sentence phrase thing was quite difficult to type out and I wasn't going to do that but I did and now it looks stupid.

And oh the things I was going to do! Damn it.

Broken square life

Hello there.

I honestly don't know why I update this when I have nothing to say, but perhaps we'll just see about that. I'm not in a philosophical mood, however I have been looking in the bible. Not sure why. I don't often do this, sadly. I guess I needed some glimmer of hope in written form. But I have seen hope today. I'm not sure how it came about. I just opened the mailbox today. There was nothing in it. So I stood there rubbing my nose against it and then studying the grains of sand in the cement and scratching some of it off. The weather felt lovely for that moment. And I just stood there, thinking to myself "What am I looking for? Whatever it is, I'm okay. I hope God is here." And then I skipped down the driveway and stood on the boat and pulled leaves out of the tarp and put them on the dog. And then I ran down the driveway with my arms flailing at my sides and I closed my eyes for a moment, but not too long because running down my driveway blinded is not a safe thing. So then I thought about what I was going to do next, go inside of course, root around for some food and spend the rest of my day sitting in front of the computer waiting for something to happen. Normally this sad reality depresses me but today it didn't. I don't know what it was. As I've mentioned in my other entries here I'm basically dead and clawing on the threshold of what I know to be life and I want it back. So I'm losing a sense of myself and finding it ever harder to say anything. But now from the moment I reached my mailbox something changed. Not completely, just some sort of sense of release and I know something is going to happen soon. Probably in March, but I don't know for sure. I guess this is up to the will of God. Wouldn't he lift me from this way of life? I realized the other day after listening to a program on the radio that I might have a slight case of synthesia. I have no clue how to spell that, but anyways I see my months in a shape. I won't bother to describe this as I'm too lazy to at the moment but anyways my year is cut up into pieces and forms a shape like a backwards C. The top where my January through spring is located is especially blurry and hard to understand and cut off from December and the rest of the end of the year. But now, now it's becoming clearer. I'm moving along my fractured square of life and somehow it doesn't seem so bad, for a moment anyways. This idea manifested itself in a conversation I had with Tom this afternoon, although I probably won't get into the actual idea that I presented but more of an idea of hope, which he didn't understand like I did, and I only vaguely remember what it is.

Tom: I hope for things all the time.
Me: It's not the same kind as I'm talking about then.
Tom: Elaborate on yours then....
Me:
^^Let's forget that part, and move on to the intial point of making this journal, I found a defintion in the bible for hope. Well, sort of.

Romans 8:24:
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?"

1 Corinthians 15:18-20:
"Then those also have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. If only for this life we have hope in Christ, then we are to be pitied more than all men.
But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep."

Just think about it I suppose. My brain capacity won't allow me to attempt to explain such things at this time of night. So there you go. I left you nowhere, but it's not so bad is it? I mean I still feel like I've been left nowhere, but now it's not so bad, and I'm hoping this isn't a bad thing. I certainly don't want to enjoy this, as I've described it before, "The fractured way of life" and get used to it. Anyways changes are going to happen and I can't put my finger on it partly because my life is in some sort of trance I can't get out of right now and also I am literally in a trance due to exhaustion from sitting here so long, my eyes are starting to cross.

So, what to leave you with here I wonder. Always love. Love to you from me(at least I can try my best).

P.S.
And here's some color just to make this seem slightly cheerful in case you didn't catch it in my writing above.

Random Thunks

Maybe this was all meant to stay in my head, because it doesn't particularly mean a lot, it's mostly the usual stream of thoughts. But I don't really care about my thoughts seeming pretty and meaningful today.

I wrote some thoughts down on a piece of paper which said, "Tom! (Applause!)" on the front so I wouldn't have to remember to think about them again. But I'm thinking: Symbolically, what's the difference between hunger and thirst? For example: "The thirst for knowledge" or "A hunger that was never satisfied". Is it the same as a thirst not quenched? Really what is the difference I wonder.
I suppose these are one in the same and the sort of symboliogy we weren't meant to ask about.

I'm thinking about the name Zelda. What would that be like? I went into a touristy general store today with a machine that had a mechanical old lady named Zelda the fortune teller and she wanted 25 cents.

I'm thinking what it would be like to have a mentally retarded sibling. See, I had this sudden urge today to yell out "LAKE!" in the car as we passed over a lake. But I'm thinking the shrill volume and the suddeness of this would have caused my mom to slam on the brakes and my brother to slap me over me head. I restrained myself from doing so with this thought, but it inspired another thought. What if I was mentally retarded? Then this sort of outburst would be normal and almost expected of someone with the mentality of a two year old. My family might grimace but there would be no outward violence unleashed upon me since I wouldn't be able to help myself. Instead my family would have to be considerably tolerant of my behavior and reassuringly say "Yes sweetie, a lake".

Another thing I thunk was a stream. Yes a stream of thoughts but why the word stream? I looked at a stream in someone's yard. It cut through the grass and ran into the woods with what I thought must be a statue situated by the side, a statue of a virgin Mary probably wondering the same thing I was: Why are we so fascinated with water? It's one of those questions I know the answer to and thus I can answer promptly in my mind: It's a clear, sparkling substance like flowing liquid diamonds but more precious as we live by it. And then I thought of God.

We went to Brasstown Bald today, Georgia's highest mountain. It was pointless really because it was so overcast so there was nothing to see at the top. Near the parking lot though, there was this awesome pine tree that reminded me of turtles. So I cut a piece off and took is home with me to cherish and touch and feel whenever I want to.

We went to a waterfall also. Alex and I climbed up the side of it. I was standing next to the waterfall stroking the needles of some pine tree and I wanted to hug it and say "Here I am Lord! I see You. You're pretty much all I can see. You're green and smooth needles attached to gnarled braches with deep roots in a rich dark soil that I almost slipped on.

I thought of sex a lot also, but not exactly in the horny teen way. But this will still embarrass me later when I read it again and realize what I said.
Mountain trails make me think of sex. I always think of running through the woods with someone and making out with them against a tree, kind of like that scene in Lost and Delirious but they were mostly having sex, thrusting themselves against a tree. It would have seemed highly unromantic and kind of barbaric, but then it was okay and seemed lovely for a moment. And then I had this thought: I was in the woods, naked, with a guy(faceless and nameless, sort of) , tangled in his arms under a blanket, our bodies keeping warm with each other and our genitals touching every now and then. And in the car I thought of this person again just laying next to me somewhere. And damn my imagination because I could not make out the details on his face, but I knew who he was. I just won't say here. So I made him smile at me and hold my hand, and then his face became clear but his hair, his hair was a blur. Funny how this works when you want a person to be there so bad that you can make their presence in your imagination but somehow it keeps slipping. At this point there was a cold draft flowing right onto me and my thoughts became scattered again.

AT this point I thinkof Aaron Weiss. I was trying to find some way to befriend him. In my thoughts we discussed all the sorts of things I can never seem to say to anyone that will understand me, and there'll be tears in our eyes. And we'll say "Yes, Lord, here we are!". And we'll hug and laugh and cry all over again. And he puts on a racoon skin cap and dances around to the music he makes. I always find myself having rehearsed conversations with him in my mind. And oh the joy we'll share together when we don't have to rehearse anymore. And "burn so poor and lonely". And then my mind tells me I can't do this with him and that it will never happen.

I thought of Jesus then. The Passion movie where he says:

"See, Mother, I make all things new"

Something about that line, of course the meaning itself is wonderful, but the way he says it sends a light tingly pixie dust on me and I feel tears behind my eyes. It's like that feeling during the highest point of a song where it all just becomes so intense and you want to keep that feeling but aren't sure what to do with it. But now if I just replay it over and over again I think I might find all of life's answers wash over me in that moment of great love. I think of Edric around this point. He'll be sitting next to me watching the movie, but I can't imagine beyond there. I don't know how he'll sit or the look on his face. But suddenly I'll prostrate myself on the floor beside the sofa and cry a river of tears every now and then choking out my Father's name. I really wouldn't know how to say anything else at this point. And then I'd be ashamed of myself in reality for Edric to see me. But in my thoughts he'd lay there beside me and hold my hand, be comforting in some way, and wait for it to pass. But I would still feel awkward and strange there so that thought was brushed aside for something else, nothing I think.

I've been doing such silly things lately in an attempt to look profound or passionate. And I've been doing it in an attempt to reconcile with this void in my life. I've been telling it to go away but egging it on at the same time. I was told this was a desert experience and that I'm being tested. But how long must I endure? I don't like not being able to drink and quench my thirst and stumbling through the sands of some distant yet familiar land that I see everyone else walking on blindly. And I'm scared I'm going to enjoy it soon. Okay, so this didn't sound profound either. Another silly attempt to sound meaningful or something.

This journal entry was written last week when I all the sudden stumbled upon an enlightening state of mind in the midst of a family trip up to the mountains, which is never enlightening unless I can be alone. So it was odd that I finally felt okay. And I meant to write this down in my thoughts: "God is love. And love is real. And I know this, just forgetting. "
Well I guess I forgot again.
But I also thought to write: "And I love you all with every feeling and non-feeling I can grasp. I'd like to believe love isn't a feeling anyways. So maybe I don't have to grasp anything, but your hands or hearts. And maybe I can lose a grasp of this so-called reality with love for you people like Tommy and Eddy and those who don't mind a blubbering idiot intoxicated with love for them. "

And well, my mind is wandering again as I write this, but I'll have to put it aside because it won't look dramatic talking about eagle feathers and the name Zelda after what I just meant to use as my dramatic ending. Damnit.