It just might be a Friday feely time

The Christians and I walked into this restaurant. We knew we were going to be persecuted. Just not this bad. Within a few seconds axes were flying in the air and mass pandemonium had broken out. People were falling dead everywhere and there was blood spatters on the floor. Some people were beheaded I think. I saw this one guy with longish hair get cut in the back and he kept running. And then got hit again and fell with a thud on his back next to this dead woman. He said something to her thinking she was alive I guess. I can't remember what it was though. It was probably something like,"Rough day, eh?". But no it was a bit more profound than that. Something like "God has never forsaken us". And I stood there. And then I was gone.

And then I woke up.

And then life caught up with me, but I didn't really notice.

I'm nervous. My spastic leg shaking moments have become more frequent. I'm scared mostly. Scared of the concert on Saturday going wrong. Scared that it won't be all I thought it would be. Scared of anything and everything. And I'm not scared. And honestly I'm only shaking my leg now because it's fun. Yes, it's very fun. Sort of.

I want to feel.

Something to absurd porportions. Something nebula-like, I can't grasp the feeling. Can I feel stellar? I do and don't know if I do.

And I think this illustrates everything and anything all at once. And I know what it means, but I couldn't say. But I swear it means something: http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/rectalgia0/detail?.dir=dfc4&.dnm=6551.jpg


I need to do something. I can't stay home. I need to move. I need to get out of this place and do nothing somewhere else. I want to lay under the stars and ponder things. But not really things and not really ponder. I don't want any side effects. I feel like I'm going to miss something if I don't keep still and listen. I want to be still but the world keeps moving so fast. And I'm not sure what I want. I just want to grasp some sense of peacefulness and an out of the body anti gravity type of feeling. I think. But I feel like it could slip away at any moment if I don't share it and experience it and completely feel it. And this is all driving me insane and making it not so nice. And that's how I can relate to your statement. I'm scared. I'm going to that incubus concert on Saturday. I should be excited and I'm guessing this is a side effect of it. I feel like things might not be so memorable if I don't feel them and if the person I'm going with doesn't feel them. I need a lighter to shine in the dark. But this will be a lighter than doesn't burn my fingers. I'll hold it up high and there'll be more lighters everywhere in the air. And all these homemade stars glowing everywhere like Christmas lights in Alex's loft. And I want to feel that. And I want to feel the colors and the sounds and the emotions in the music. And I'm afraid I won't. It'll pass too quickly. And no one will stop to appreciate it.

I want to run now. Run really fast and never tire. You know that feeling when you've been sitting all day and then you get to run in the cool air going downhill? I do. I remember. I want to do that. There's this steep hill at a school somewhere nearby. I want to roll down it and tear my clothing up and get covered in grass stains. I think I want to run off with the hippies and live in the woods for weeks on end and grow my hair down to my feet and feel the 'love'. And when I emerge from the woods I'll be this new person again. Also I want to hug a tree now. I really do. I might just be a hippy that doesn't require tofu and lives in a tie-dyed world of psychedelic acid trips. I might just run off with the hippies and feel alive.

And you who are reading this, you don't know what to say do you? You can't beat my 'aliveness' ideas. But you aren't supposed to. You are just supposed to sit there and understand and feel it too. And then hug me and find my hat for me. And I hope you can feel me there with you now. I want to make my presence known way over there so that it seems I'm not so far away. And I want you to feel things that can't be described in one word such as okay. I want you to feel things that have no words. And I hope this makes you smile. And I hope we have a clear connection going on and that it's not just me feeling all this by myself. But I'm not sure I feel anything at the moment. My fingers do. And my whole being wants to follow but it's not sure how and it doesn't want to be alone in the process.

And I think the best sentences start with conjunctions. It makes me feel all nonconformistic(and making up words is nonconformistic).

Somebody close to me shrugged so I wrote this in response:

He shrugged. What was there to say? It's not one of those days. But when will one of those days come? He thinks, but can't feel. He feels when he can't think. And he shrugs when he's not sure of either.

And I believe I've run out of the feeling. This is the second time I've tried to get this down. Stupid blog.

God bless you my lovely journal readers. And I mean that. I know I feel that.

I can't remember what happened this week. And I suppose that's good.

But, wait!
There's something in my mind about the school practice evacuation. Yes, I remember the entire school had to flood out of one door into the stadium. And I was supposed to sit with my class but I couldn't find them for a while. When I found them there was no place to sit or stand. I saw Edric but I couldn't talk to him because of the chaotic situation we were in. But I mouthed out the words "this sucks" and pretended to slit my throat. He probably understood.
When we got back into school the power was out. And that was fun.

And oh!
I remember something else. I don't want to remember it, but as I still feel the effects of it I can't shrug it off. I'm so put out for some reason. I hate this feeling.Wish someone would call me on their own will. That's never happened before in my life. I feel so unwanted and unnoticed. No one talks to me unless I talk to them. No one cares how I am doing. And I feel like crying.
This is what it feels like to think.
I hope it's just me thinking this and not truly reality.
This is one of those days where everything is bland and nothing makes sense. Do you know what I'm talking about? In the midst of pure joy, I can't feel anything except lonely and unworthy. And probably self-pity.

Anyways I took this emotion and developed it into pure agony. And that's how I went to sleep. And that's how I woke up. And it's wearing off but it will come agan when I am reminded how worthless I am by the world around me.

But wait! There's more! (there's always more than what you see)
I was informed yesterday that my mother was in the hospital. A long story, but no one knows for sure what's going on. After many tests, nothing has been determinded. One possibility is that she could have had a minor stroke behind her eye. Capillaries behind on her eyes might have been blcoked or something. She's seeing double.

Wait for it...wait for it...ah! more!
Yesterday I endured a bus ride home only to be slapped on the ass by a bratty little hellion- neighbor kid. I punched him in the back, although I wanted to kick him in the nuts, where it woud have counted. I am utterly disgusted with the youth these days. They are brought up in corruption. Yes I know I am young too, but I grew up learning to respect people.

Etc...!
Today when I got home I was locked out of the house. I tried everything possible to get every door and window on the house open and nothing worked. And I was worried that my dad wouldn't get home until late, like 1 am. He was at the hospital with my mom. I didn't know what to do with myself so I took a nap on the porch and worried myself to sleep. And when I woke up I tried the doors again. It didn't work of course. So it was getting dark and I was sitting on the porch in a stupor shaking my feet uncontrolably. But I wanted to. I was trying to keep a record on how long I could bang my foot against the porch. But it stopped when I heard the phone ring and then the answering machine. I put my ear up against the window and tried to listen to it. I couldn't tell all of what it said, but it was my dad and he sounded upset and I knew he was at the hospital. I sat down again and continued my repetive-foot-hitting-the-porch-motions and started thinking about what it would be like if my mother were to die. I couldn't help but cry. I found a pillow and died in it. And then I laid down on it and preceded the foot shaking without thinking anything. And then I decided as it was getting very dark I should go to the neighbor's house and use their phone. As I was walking up the driveway wondering how I was going to tell my neighbors what had happened, I saw my dad and mom turn onto the street. Thank you Lord.

Oh my! Randomness!
I am better now. This week is over with. Well, almost.
Tom has an obsession with bowler hats.
Edric says sweet things. And I am scared. But happy.
"Let it be let it be", says Paul McCartney.
It's very stuffy in this room.
INCUBUS!
I need water.
I copied Alex when I saw his music link thingy.
I really wish I had a gerbil to play with right now.
Also I attached a pen to my bra.
Now I am cold.
All is full of love.
In conclusion I am lame.
Edric said, "moo, cause I am a cow"
He also said "I see it everday when i look in your eyes." This refers to something pretty. I was thinking of a most peaceful landscape behind my church, but whatever. Edric is a pretty soul. I like when people can see me. You know, the person no one else sees because they don't look. Maybe that's why I was invisible in to everyone but him in his dream.
I had a carmel apple with peanuts on it.
It's so much better, when everyone is in.
Seafoam green in fashion, and other Incubus induced randomness...
Don't read this.
Too late.

May the Lord's face shine upon you, all my lovely journal readers.

I hope this blesses you somehow. I really do.

If I start here maybe I'll end up somewhere else...

Events of the day:

Had a popsicle for breakfast.
Sat in the lunchroom by myself looking insecure.
Talked to Edric. About what, I'm not sure.
In math the teacher actually checked the work and of course I didn't finish.
In history I read some documents about the spread of Islam in Africa. And it was oh so intesresting. I noticed Mr. Cofield was looking distraught about something. That bothers me when he's upset. He's such a cheerful person so it's unnerving to see the man looking uncheerful. Most kids don't respect what he does it seems, they just imitate his rolling r's and all his weird hang gestures. I wonder what everyday is like for him.
I had Spanish next. Zoned off and started falling asleep. The teacher tends to repeat herself over and over again about things I could care less about. Even if it was in English I probably wouldn't listen.
Chemistry, we looked at a quiz online. And Mr. D always looks at me to see if I've got my usually blank stare. Everytime he does that I try to look like I have a clue. I keep screwing it up though because he still looks concerned. Perhaps I just look sick.
I had Lit. after that. Mr. Parker is an awesome teacher even though we don't do much in his class.
Then I had lunch. It's such a waste of time. I sit there and stare at objects around the lunch room to pass the time. I hate having to think about what I'm looking at.
Then art. I finally finished my project. It's supposed to be a stamp of a man's face. He looks disturbed.

I should probably mention that I now have a new cousin as of yesterday at noon. I don't know what her name is, but I hope she's healthy.

This didn't really go anywhere.

I want to be cool like Edric.

Therefore I am copying him.

first name = Emily
middle name = Grace
last name = Cook
birthday = October 10, 1988
zodiac sign = Libra(I could care less)
nationality(s)- English? Scottish? An American...
piercing = Zero
tattoos = Zero
height = 5' 3" I think
shoe size = 7 or 8
hair color = light brown
eye color= blue
siblings = One 19 year old brother
pets = One demented feline beast and 3 canine beasts
Last movie you rented = Paycheck, I think
Last movie you bought= I don't think I've bought any movies
Last song you listened to=mewithoutYou "I never said that I was brave"
Last song that was stuck in your head = Taking Back Sunday "Cute without the 'e'"
Last song you've downloaded = something by Unicorn
Last cd you bought = The Killers "Hot Fuss"
Last cd you listened to = DC Talk "Jesus Freak", I think
Last tv show you've watched = the news I think. It's been way too long to remember
Last person you were thinking of = Tom I think
Last person you talked to on the phone = Chris or somebody calling for my dad
Last person you talked to in person = My dad
Last person you imed = Edric
Last person you hugged = Nan from church
Last person you kissed = um...
DO...you have a bf or gf = Never
Do you have a crush on someone = Kind of confused about that at the moment
Do you have a best friend = I think so.
Do you have alot of friends = Depends what a lot is.
Do you wish you could live somewhere else = Most of the time, but then I wouldn't know the people I know now if I lived somewhere else
Do you think about suicide = Used to, didn't consider it though.
Do others find you attractive = I wouldn't think so
Do you want more tattoos = No
Do you drink = No
Do you do drugs = No.
Do you like cleaning = It depends what I'm and if my mom told me to do it. I only clean when it isn't neccesary
Do you like roller coasters = I've just gotten over my fear of them
Do you write in cursive or print = A combination
Do you carry a donor card = No
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...
long distance relationships - I have too many. It sucks. But then all the nice people live far away. Try to not to get into them.
using someone=Don't do that.
suicide = Don't do that. It's not worth anything.
killing people = Don't do that either.
teenage smoking = Stupid.
doing drugs = Stupid mostly
premarital sex =Something I'd rather not do. For other people, it's their own choice I suppose
driving drunk = Another wise decision...
gay/lesbian relationships = Makes me somewhat uncomfortable but I think people should be themselves without persecution.
soap operas = gag
FAVORITE...
food = Salad, cheese, coconut soup, carmel, Italian, real butter
song = Not sure. Changes too often. Probably Such Great Heights
book = Me Talk Pretty One Day
thing to do = Talk to friends, sleep, listen to music, concerts
thing to talk about = Something interesting. Philosophical debates, my faith, music, or hat envy
color = Black and green.
sport(s) = Soccer, horseback riding
drink(s) = Water, root beer, smoothies
clothing item(s) = Jeans that look good, comfy things, grungy(but sexy...ha) clothing
movie(s) = Not sure honestly
band(s) =Incubus, mewithoutYou, Postal Service, Beatles,
holiday = Christmas
cars = Old Land Rovers, the kind that look like Jeeps. Or my Montero, or various sports cars
HAVE YOU...
ever cried over a girl or boy = Yes
ever lied to someone = Yes
ever been in a fist fight = Depends which kind. They were mostly against myself
ever been arrested = No
ever stolen something = Maybe
WHAT...
shampoo do you use = It changes every now and then. Pantene usually
perfume do you use = I'd rather not use it
shoes do you wear = Converse
are you scared of = People and the things they do, the dark, evil basically, myself and also stepping on a frog in the dark
do you hate = Not much lately. Mostly myself, it used to be.
HOW MANY...
times have you had your heart broken = Every week something tends to break my heart. But for the kind of question this is, probably once.
hearts have you broken = I don't know.
people have you kissed = None...bah
continents have you lived on = One
drugs you've taken illegally = Zero,
people you would classify as true, could trust with your life type friends = Not sure there are any honestly. I haven't had to trust my life with people. I consider myself more of a true friend than my friends.
people you consider your enemies = None. People aren't my enemies
cd's do you own = About 60, I guess
what things in your past do you regret = Things I've said but I wouldn't take anything back now.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
pretty = Sometimes
funny = Sometimes, but nothing people would laugh at
hot = heh, no. Only when I feel like it.
amusing = I amuse myself quite often. That might mean something else though I'm afraid
ugly = Usually
loveable = When I let people near me.
pessimistic = Mostly
optimistic = I try not to be.
caring = Intensely, beyond most people's capacity
sweet = Not really
dorky = Not sure.
10 bands you've been listening to lately
01. mewithoutYou
02. Taking Back Sunday
03. Postal Service
04. DC Talk
05.Supertones
06. FIF
07. Muse
08. Cursive
09. Death Cab for Cuite
10. The Cure

9 things you look forward to
01. Talking to Tom or Edric
02. Incubus concert coming up
03. Going home
04. Going to church.
05. Feeling certain things.
06. Driving
07. Every new day
08. College, somewhat
09. Sleeping

8 things you like to wear
01. Jeans that fit
02. Band shirts
03. My shoes
04. Polo shirts
05. Most black clothing
06. My green jacket
07. My black insecurity jacket
08. Colorful socks

7 things that annoy you
01. Not being able to explain/express myself/Not being able to think or thinking too much
02. Not knowing what to do with myself-bored, lonely, depressed
03. Highschool and the kids in it.
04. People that will just never get it
05.Corruption
06. Chores
07. The list goes on...

6 things you touch everyday
01. Computer parts
02. Hair
03. My hands
04. Writing utensil
05. My face
06. air...

5 things you do everyday
01. Sit at the computer
02. Sleep
03. Listen to music
04. Talk, somewhat
05. Carry out bodily functions

4 people you want to spend more time with
01. First of all I'd like to meet the people I spend time talking to-Tom, John, others
02. My brother
03. Chris maybe
04. Whoever was meant for me

3 movies you could watch over and over again
01. Erin Brokovich
02. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
03. Honestly I can't see myself watching something over and over again without getting sick of it eventually or the VCR ruining it.

2 of your favorite songs at the moment
01. Lucy in the sky with Diamonds!
02. I Was a Kaleidescope

You should bring me soup

Coconut soup preferably.

Lots of things happening around here such as the road falling in, my dad getting pneumonia and an Incubus concert coming up that I might not be able to go to. Yes it seems bleak now. But someday yesterday made the whole day worth all the freaking out:

"But please do not feel hurt Emily You have helped me a lot. In fact if someone where to ask me if I believed in God today. I would say yes. Because I do. I really do."

"You are strong and the pain you have to feel its your sacfrice, you could be like everyone else and deny things. It would be easier and maybe hurt less.But you know that what you are doing Is what you ere made to do. And so dont ever feel like your wasting your time because God wont let you."

God I love you. You're too wonderful for words to describe. You've made all things new. All things new. I will forever praise you. ...If only I could feel your embrace once again. It's on my life, I know. I just empty out week after week. And I long to be filled again.

I'm writing this with the intention of having something to say but it's not really working. Random thoughts then, eh?

I'm listening to Audio Adrenaline.
I recently rediscovered the Supertones. Ska frenzy!
I have to write a paper on Star Wars. That means I'll have to watch it today. I hope my VHS isn't ruined from our last VCR.
Last night I had chicken noodle soup that had solidifed. Not good.
I spoke to Edric on the phone about all sort of things, mainly his idea that he needs to die for the world. I'm always confused. We also sang the song that never ends. But it did. Darn.
I try to apply it to something else, other things that should never end.
I wish I could bring people here. Like right now. Tom should be here.
We'll sit with the Christmas lights in the loft and play beautiful music.
The light is pouring through the windows. I should go outside.
My throat is killing me. At times I've sat on my knees and dug myhead in the ground, coughing hysterically. I hate coughing. It's too loud.
Zoey loves me.

Squirrely Feeling

Well I'm sitting here listening to a soda can.

I think I may qualify as pathetic. Or dull. It's better than listening to the squirrels in the walls...

There aren't squirrels in MY walls, but how fun it would be. I developed a theory because of this. There is a treadmill in my head with a nut on a string on the end of it. It's just slightly out of reach of a demented but determined squirrel running on the treadmill. This treadmill powers my brain. Sometimes after running for days on end my squirrel collaspes and dies only to be replaced by yet another squirrel, this one more neurotic than the last. I've decided to name my current squirrel Bobby. There's a kid in my art class named Bobby. He's a hippy and he likes to touch my hair.

This squirrel theory actually came to me several weeks ago. At this point I haven't noticed any squirrels in the head but rather a slimy substance oozing from my brain. It has found it's place in my throat. I call it phlegm.

Okay so that wasn't the best description of my current condition. I'll just say I feel like shit. And I can't talk. I might have the flu.

In other news I had much fun this weekend. Well, mostly on Friday. I went with Edric to Swayzes. Swayzes wasn't terribly fun, it was mostly when we got out of that place that I felt alive. We ran across the road in the dark and kept running on the sidewalk on the other side of the road till we noticed a fuzzy feline was on our trail. This kitten followed us all the way to the bookstore, stopping every now and then to roll around on the sidewalk. Anyways I think it went to join some people at Starbucks. Hopefully they took it to an animal shelter.

After this I found myself sitting in a deserted parking lot singing all sorts of wonderful songs with Edric. The song that never ends, Bright Eyes stuff, The Beatles, and Mr. Rogers(the theme song thingy) and much more! And then my mother came by to pick us up. And the fun had ended.

I can't describe the overall picture of my life at the moment, such a difficult task to undertake. It's all so overwhelming to even describe the trivial events of today. But I'm liking this new life. And hating some parts. But I think I can finally live again. Only problem is I want to take everyone along with me, and they are so unwilling to go. So much pain, what a struggle. I can't give up though. I'm not allowed to do that anymore.

I prayed one night. Desperately, the kind of prayer where I had to scream it all out. Everyone I know and don't know was included in this frenzy of emotion. But mostly my Tommy boy and Edric, and some Chris's and my brother. And everyday things are happening. I don't know what to make of it. But Lord, I praise you! You are so beautiful. You make this life so worth it.

Indeed