I'm lost

Don't believe anything I say anymore. I am not myself. And I am doubting everything. God have mercy on me, if you are there. This hour feels so dark and desperate. I can't breathe.

I'm faint and fading fast, I see a darkness And I shall be released. I'll pass like a fever from this body, And softly slip into his hands

OH LORD PLEASE BE WITH ME! OH PLEASE REVEAL YOURSELF! I need to believe so badly that all of this is real. I need You. I need You. I NEED YOU. Oh! My heart hurts so bad. I don't know why. As I write this, every fiber in my body aches and screams out your name. But I feel like I must be calling to no one. Make this complete darkness go away. I can no longer live with doubt. I swear I'm going to wake up in a shell tomorrow and I won't notice. This is agony. This is agony, agony! All this I say screaming my lungs out in terror, my mouth is open wide and my eyes are burning. My entire body trembles and I think I've lost it all. Oh please don't let me loose You. Me without You is nothing.

I'm nothing and I doubt everything. I doubt this matters at all. Someone is going to tell me soon I'm pitching a big fit over nothing. That's true, it's nothing that I'm so concerned with. I won't let it swallow me up again. Oh please no.

Hello

Hello.
There's just this overwhelming sense of hello today.
I want to see that movie again where that retarded guy only says hello. And there's a Pepto-bismol and Sony commercial that were both made by the mental patients. And everyone ran out to buy those products.
Yeah, I want to see that again.

I think I must say more by saying nothing at all. So I'll end it here.


Hello.

Big...then little...Big...then little. Over and over again. Oh and the look of terror inside. And yet I don't think it was terror, just an overwhelming sense of everything. And I saw myself looknig inside. This is me. Inside that black hole, a muscle expanding and contracting, there's this bright light. Oh Lord, is it bright! You are in me. But that's not what I was thinking. Something else. It was confusing. Big...then little...Big...then little, light then dark, light then dark, slow then fast slow then where am I going? What's going on here? Oh I know it all! I've seen it! It's all here.

But will they know?

Ever know everything at once and know nothing at all? I do! I have!
Everything makes so much sense till it makes no sense at all.

I was talking about my eye there, the pupil. But it's more than that. If you dipped your hand inside and reached into my head, well, your hand would come out stained with every sort of color you've ever seen and not seen before. Inside you'd feel a great rush, and then nothing at all. But right now, my thoughts are desperately crawling over each other screaming to be heard and let out of that compact space. There's this one outlet, like a door, I'm not sure where it is at the moment and if it's locked or not, but this door is being pounded down every second I waste thinking of how to put this nicely. What do I do? I can't seem to put it in words. So when this moment passes in the next few seconds or so, quicker than you can say "Emily you're interesting but I need to go now", this might be all that's left of it all. How sad. How so numbingly sad.

I just finished seeing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Oh!

If you want to know the concrete things that happened today I'll list them in order fo you. Or not in order. (I'm not good with that concept.) Also I'm not good with what you think is real. It isn't and I don't even know why I called it 'concrete'. None of this is real. The only thing that's real is my Lord. But anyways...

I spent pretty much, every waking second of my life on Saturday, October 16, 2004 staring at this strange electronical device with wires hanging out the sides and backs of it. With an unhealthy glow and a slight curvature on the surface, it had a fairly geometrical shape to it, like a square with a frame and some circular buttons on the bottom.
Yes, the infamous computer.
How pitiful that one could stare at this screen for hours on end, watching the colors and pictures and sounds and yet right outside the door there's this great big world out there that this computer can never convey. Just only in the slightest. Why could I be experiencing life from a desktop instead of living it?
Damn you and my addiction to you!
My only break (but I wouldn't call it a break)from it all was when Dad called me downstairs. We went to Ballground and ate at a primitive barbeque restaurant complete with wood shavings on the floor and walls covered in dusty old tools. It felt like a tomb...with a tv and waitresses missing half their teeth. Yes, this place is called Two Brother's B-B-Q and I've been there before.
After that my dad wanted to look at trailers to haul a tractor he recently bought for a job he's doing. It was fun.
Sort of.
At one point he dropped me off at a gas station to pee. Something about the fake wood paneling, washed out deli counter and cinnamon air freshner in that place really depressed me. But I did what I had to do and it all came out okay.
Then more trailers.
Then my dad pulled into a parking lot and told me to get out of the car. What? I said. Why? I said. He said he needed to pee. I told him there were plenty of places to do that around here. But he didn't care. He peed in a cup while I stood outside the car cringing. And then when I got back in that old familiar speech about how if I only had a penis life would be so much easier, started.
I got home and I talked to Tom. I'd been talking to him most of the day anyways, which was completely awesome as usually, only it was one of those days where neither of us had anything to say and we couldn't even make it flow. Somehow I'm never bothered. I know we're connected. A computer can't make us lose that connection either.
I drew the most awesome picture. If only I could post it here.
And also Tom drew a picture of something that started to resemble fallopian tubes in a state of psychedelia. And I was lost in a bundle of colorful telephone lines. And he was in the fallopian tubes. But I reached down and pulled him up, with the mighty strength that I get when I believe in it. And then I shallow-fied it and drew Speedy the Sperm.

My quote of the day:
"I don't know where you are, but you better not get in the way of the mentrustral cycle."

There's nothing so scary in the dark as ourselves.

Greetings. Come on in and waste away a little while.

I swear I had something to say. But I can't record it all and make it sound as wonderful as it was. This guy says something else equally as great,although it might not be what I meant to say, it is the truth so simply put that I am sick with envy which prompts me to bite my own head off. But not really:

"It is a peculiar stupidity that allows me to become so easily discouraged. my usual order of things: (1) pray for God's guidance and wisdom (2) ignore or betray the convictions He gives me (3) charge or doubt Him because of the disorder and confusion in my life. is there peace in our hearts? are we not lying to ourselves and others, professing a faith we scarcely believe in? may God forbid we become comfortable here! but rather than seeking happiness we should value this restlessness. if we didn't first feel the pain of a cut, what would prompt us to clean and wrap the wound, preventing infection or worse? this emotional pain of ours (if I may assume I'm not alone in my sadness), as with physical pain, is often a sign that something is wrong. rather than dress the wound, or even question the cause, don't we choose spiritual numbness (entertainment, socializing, education or career ambitions...) and so decide not to feel the infection of our entire lives? this sickness or infection is disobedience and self-absorbtion, a lack of love for God and other people. I am sick with myself, and too much with this world. but there are certain moments, radiant with sorrow and pity, where my soul is set on fire by the love of Jesus! he does not avoid or deny the suffering of the world, but takes it upon himself in its most extreme. far from our mediocrity and compromise, his crucifixion challenges us to suffer wildly, dares us to love recklessly, even foolishly. my friends, when will we grow tired of mediocrity and compromise? God, forgive our selfishness. please soften our hearts and open our ears to your truth. let us die to oursleves, and give us a new and wonderful life. help us see You in those around us and show them the patience and gentleness You've shown us. let us love the unlovable as You have loved us. You are beautiful, just beautiful, my Lord! "-ajw

And now for a contribution from myself in my own journal...
Someone else likes coconut soup, I can feel it.

Today I took the PSAT. It wasn't horrid as others have told me, but it definately wasn't needed this morning. I was dead all over. But something caught my eye, made me wake up. It was in the reading comprehension section of the test that I found it. A particular passage about a man who was traveling somewhere. He was wearing old khakis worn down from yard work and a loose raggedy t-shirt. He had sunglasses on to cover up his eyes. He wanted to wear them everywhere so he wouldn't have to think about making a certain expression for the people around him, so he could be free from their judgment. But he couldn't wear them everywhere. Just here. And yet, from this lack of feeling and this dissconnection from the people around him he said he felt like no one at that moment but rather free from everything out on that open road. And it was a good thing. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Something about that passage struck me and I doubt I shall forget it. It took me a while to realize that I was still taking a test. Somehow I think I was meant to hear that.

I see everyone around me and it saddens me that they could be fine being like that, like everyone else. And these thoughts will probably never come to their head. I don't want to be like the rest of them but I am. I can't escape humanity. And I can't escape myself, but I want to so bad. Everything feels the same and there is such a limit on almost everything in this life. I can't quite get this out as clear as I would like and so here begins a battle in my head over my lack of perfection. Even if the truth was put as eloquently as possible I imagine I would still be unsatisfied with it. I just want so much more in everything. Everything.

Anyways if I were to get back to the point, I would say that this after reading this one passage my brain erupted in intense melodies that disrupted everything I was doing. Yes I couldn't answer question 30-35(not accurate but who cares). I just had lyrics from mewithoutYou streaming through my head with the feriocity of (something really ferious [in a good way{not like a lion trying to eat you}]). (This reminds me of a frame story, however grammaticaly pitiful it may look). I believe it was Bullet to Binary:

Let us die, let us die Dying we reply "don't talkto us about suffering, look in our eyes". Let us be, let us be- Our closeness is such that wherever she rests her head in the softness underneath, she'll feel me - and you will feel me.

I'm now somewhat taken aback that those are the right lyrics as I was hearing something slightly different. Mostly just repetitions of "you'll feel me! you'll feel me!". These words were screaming inside my head and any minute it could have imploded but it didn't because l looked at the clock and realized something. Five minutes left to finish the reading comprehension section.

I do wonder what this could possibly mean. That sudeen outburst of beautiful noise in my head, I mean.

Also the other weird thing that happened was I suddenly tasted fresh peaches in my mouth. No, I didn't eat any, but I would have wanted to after that. So now I will not rest till I get fresh peaches. I suppose I'll have to wait till summer again. Bummer...

Je n'ai pas d'espoir

"Je leverai les yeux a toi
J'ai change cent foi de nom
Je leverai les yeux a toi
Je n'ai pas d'espoir"

Translation:
"I will raise my eyes to you
I have changed my name [many] 100 times
I will raise my eyes to you
and I will not lose hope"

"I was once the wine, and you the wineglass. I was once alive, when you held me. God became the glass, all things left were emptiness...if you look out and see a trace of dark red that used to be my face, in the clarity of his grace: remember me."

Oh Lord, don't let go of me. Will you hold me? Will you hold me!? Just remember me. I want to feel you again. I want to feel you. Can I do that again? Something's wrong. Things are different, and all I feel is nothing again. Lord come. Maranatha...oh please. I can't stand living these days without your peace. I think my eyes are drooping downwards. Oh lift this chin up and relieve me. I want to see You. I want to see You again. How much more of this pretending to be strong? I offer it to others but they don't want to know. I don't see You in me anymore. Oh Lord! Please let your light pierce through this body. When they look in my eyes there won't be this emptiness anymore. Those two sparks are my burning passion for you. I live to honor you. At least this is what I want to do. Please forgive me. Hold me in your grace and remember me. I know you do. And you know how I do. Change this. Press the refresh button again. Only you can make every new day seem so new. So can I feel it again?

God you are too wonderful. And you bless me three-fold. Edric is a rarity. Thank you. He's not like the rest of them. He sees me and I'm free.

Or something like that.

My birthday is Sunday. I hope someone is glad I exist.

I hope Scott will be at youth group. And I kind of want to teach. But I'm not sure I feel inspired to do so. However this inspires me to relate more lyrics to it.

"Father please forgive me for I can not compose The fear that lives within me Or the rate at which it grows If struggle has a purpose On the narrow road you've carved Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise All the doubt I'm feeling "

I might just be picking up that old shovel again and digging another hole. But God is too wonderful to me to deny this love that has been shown so clearly. I can't let myself lapse back into that old way of life. I am new. Just forgetting.

Anyways this hasn't really lead to a clear point except that I feel depressed this is a desperate plea for life to be the way it was, for me to feel alive again in His arms. This is also known as a brain diarhhea, it was unexpected and full of crap. Although I'd like to think it wasn't.

Eh

I think I want to cry.

Things feel so different now. Something is wrong. I don't know if it's me or everyone else. I feel so distant from the world around me. Especially everyone who I think is my friend. I just want to give up on it all. I hate this feeling. Maybe it's from lack of sleep. I don't know. But I wish it would go away. I want everything to feel special and right again. I want it to feel like it's moving foward.

This especially applies to Chris. I wanted a close relationship, I wanted to get to know him, I wanted someone I could talk to about anything, someone to hug me and I could feel God in him. It was once like that. And I suppose I could blame it on his busy schedule but something tells me I'm not good enough. I'm too young, boring, or emotional. It just hurts. And I feel like that part of my life is being taken away. Anything I say to him is going to come out wrong. I can't say anything without him blaming it on my low self esteem. I wonder if he ever thinks that I don't feel good enough for him. That it might just be him that makes me act this way. I don't think I mean anything to him anymore. I want it back. I want to feel loved and special again. And if I am now, I wish someone would tell me so on a regular basis. I tend to forget these things very easily.

I went to an Incubus concert yesterday with the only person that was willing to come with me, Chris, which was odd. And I think this event might have sparked these emotions. But this week I has this feeling something was going wrong. And it's all in my head. At the concert, I thought that maybe he would talk to me since we haven't seen each other in about 4 weeks. But no, he found some friends there and so we sat with them and he ignored me mostly. Every now and then I guessed he sensed that something wasn't right with me as I was staring blankly ahead trying to fight back tears. When he saw this he snapped and said "Happy, happy, be happy". Unfortunately I can't change on a snap. I know I must have worried him. I feel bad about it now. I know he didn't really know what to do. I'm sorry.

Anyways while they were looking for hot girls, I sat there completely alone at what should have been the one of the most awesome events of my life. It hurt so bad to scream my lungs out to Stellar when there was no one by my side screaming it too. It meant too much to me to think of this as any other concert. This was INCUBUS for crying out loud! I have some kind of spiritual connection with this band. So I feel like I just missed my oppurtunity to really experience them. To be so utterly alone amongst a crowd of thousands is like hell. To be in such a place that I have been dreaming about for most of the year and it being a nightmare was hellish also.

So musically the show was awesome. They had these wonderfully psychedelic instrumental pieces and all the colors...it was stellar(yes that's an Incubus word). Other than that I was miserable. Also my leg was spasming.

Afterwards Chris drove me home. It was 1:30am and we both had to get up early the next day. But we had brownies and oj and discussed my fears of stepping on frogs. Well not really, but it would have been nice. And then we hugged. And that was the only moment I felt comfort. And then he left. And I doubt I shall see him again for a while. Especially after he reads this and gets really upset.

I've just been praying that he'll find peace, that work doesn't get to him and that he forgives me for being such a bitch. I hope he will live the way he was meant to. And I hope he never forgets the one who's never left him. And I hope he is blessed three-fold.

In other news, I think today should have been a coconut soup day. But it wasn't.