Have you seen my comb?

Dreams are not always good, people especially when influenced by some outside force, like laziness. Being too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom. I told a friend (Tommy!) about this dream.

Look!:

Me: Kind of like a dream where I have to pee really bad but I have no genitals or my urethra is blocked or something and my bladder is going to busrt and poison me and I'll DIE! And everyone around me just laughs, "ha ha she can't pee!". But really I was looking at this politian person that couldn't pee and he was in severe pain while he sat in this limo with another guy and no one did anything for him and then all the sudden I felt like him and I was in front of the limo and several other people were there trying to save the guy but they didn't know how. Alex made an arrow and shot it at someone. And some other people got in fights. And for some reason it never occured to anyone to take the guy to the hospital to get a cathedar(sp?) or something to help him. It was sad. And I was in severe pain from needing to pee also. And then I woke up and I yelled at myself ,"Ah!" and then I guess I realized that I indeed had the ability to pee if I wanted to. And I did.
Nightmares aren't good.

Him: Hehehe. I've never had one of those. At least you managed to pee in the end.

Me: Yeah for about ten minutes.

Him: You had to wait for ten minutes?

Me: No, I had to pee for ten minutes. :-)

"I'm on the sad sad of a nowhere town"

Hello.

I went to the mewithoutYou concert last Monday. Twas wonderful, but I felt nothing.
Aaron had on a racoon tail hat and sweated more than a normal person should, but that's okay. I liked looking at those beady eyes full of love and conviction and wondering if I could be the same way. Oh you could feel the joy and excitement he had as he did his weird little dances and held up his props and covered his head in a towel and threw leaves out on us. I wish they could have been flowers but that was okay anyways. I got some in my hair. At one point I almost cried singing, "My Lord, how long to sing this song? And my Lord, how much more of this pretending to be strong?". I saw him look up towards the ceiling and smile and I wished I could have done the same, but all I could do was remember "singing this song" and it seems neverending. But anyways after the show I waited about half an hour because people kept getting in front of me, but I finally got to talk to this Aaron person. And I was nervous and shaking and I felt stupid to be doing that, because he's just a person. But I'm not sure what it was I was nervous about. I've always wanted to meet him. I didn't know what to say though. I remember before talking to him, Edric and Josie and Alex's friend Lauren kept talking out loud behind him. "Emily tell him you love him and want to have his babies!" "Poke him in the back with this" "Steal his hat" "Steal that drum case" "He smells, doesn't he?". Josie introduced me to him and all I could think of to say was thank you. But then that sounded kind of awkward so I said why. I thanked him for being who he was and playing the only music that actually means something to me out of everything out there. He was humble about it and said he is only what the Lord made him to be, or something like that. (Oh, Lord, why can't I be humble?) I told him how people shake my beliefs constantly and how hard it is to live like this, constantly doubting and feeling so distant. He told me about Paul writing those letters in prison about being content in any situation, he told me to never become comfortable with my situation and he said there's always room on the bottom for all of us. How amazing God has lifted us up from that pit!
Anyways, Aaron signed my shirt and I smelled it. It smelled sort of like pot and cigarettes, but that was okay.
After the concert we piled into the car and went to Waffle House because apparently that's what everyone should do after a concert even if they've eaten before. On the way Lauren and Alex really hurt my feelings. Confused me even more about what to believe and think and feel. They said they weren't into my 'scene'. How dare they assume that this is a scene. They said some other things that hurt, but mostly because they just looked so foolish and they didn't realize it. But I don't want to be butting heads here, because to each other we both lookj foolish and we both are to be arguing about this. If anything to argue my point would be to shut my mouth and be humble, but I no longer seem to have a point anymore. I can't be who I should be, I can't say the things I want to say and all the sudden that night some mwY lyrics made complete and absolute sense.

"But there's a call to love my brother than can never be destroyed however much you talk. However well you talk, it makes a certain sense but still it's only stupid talk. However much a I strut around, however loud I sing, the shining One inside me won't say anything."
"You dance inside my chest where no one sees You, but sometimes I see You"

I no longer feel His dancing inside my chest, but sometimes I remember when I did and I wonder if I'll ever have the Lord in my heart again. Bitter, shallow, judgemental, ignorant, confused, unfatihful, closed up, and dark, no my heart is no dancing ground anymore and I haven't seem to have done anything about it but think about it. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel nothing and I have no faith. I know how I should be, I know how wonderful it is to have God in my life and put my trust in Him, but somehow I'm becoming indifferently blind. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Perhaps I took Him for granted, perhaps I thought that was all there is and took it on from there by myself. But even how many times I told people "it's not me, it's the Lord", I don't think I honestly believed it. I think I liked myself better. And this is what I get. I want to be on my knees ready to take my life for what I've done, I want to be so honest and give myself up to Him, but something about me won't let me. I cry almost everyday, but there's no substance to my tears. The only thing left is a sadness that can't ever be expressed, but always supressed. I"m never sure what to do with it. No one understands no matter how I explain, no matter what I say or do perhaps because they blindly harbor the same sort of sadness or perhaps because they have more faith in God than I to know that this won't last forever or maybe they are just enamored with who I used to be to accept that I might have changed. Either way, I'm alone. So Lord come to this lone soul tonight and create in me a new heart. I don't want to sing this 'song' anymore.

In other news, I just saw "Super Size Me" and I am completely sick with our society (more than usual). Mostly with myself I suppose. I just finished eating cheese tortellini with cheese sauce before I saw the documentary...But anyways, everything just seems to scream out louder and louder everyday that the end is nearer and nearer.

Also Alex rearranged all the furniture in the living room and now it's a wreck. The Chi has been cut off and I want it back.

And one other seriously important thing is that I just found out today that my mother used to give me vodka as a baby. She used to to numb my gums when I was teething and she would just use a swab to apply some alcohol to my gums but still! That wasn't a big deal as it was when my dad decided to do it. He ended up giving me a good amount down my throat when my mother wasn't around. Ah!

It smells of instant mashed potatoes.

Everything seems extrodinarily magical tonight. No, not magical, just...real. I don't know how to describe it. Kind of like a sad movie that makes you cry when you never do, and that feeling of striking a match in the dark and lighting a candle, everything feels candlelit. And I actually feel like I have something inside my chest, I think I can feel my heart, as if it's always been absent until now. And I feel like kissing someone. I was close to feeling. But I was alone and always alone.
I watched this show, Joan of Arcadia, it always makes me feel this way. Like I want to be in love. Yes I do. And maybe I am, but I'm still alone. I wish Tom was here. I feel pathetic to care about him, but I can't help myself. I get attactched to people I don't know. If I could talk to him right now, it would mean the world to me, although not to him. I think I can feel something and I want to feel something to talk to him. It just breaks my heart though.
I guess this is like the Friday night hippy feeling, but not really. I want to hug a tree, but I'm afraid. It's dark and cold and wet outside and somehow I don't think hugging a tree would make me feel any less alone. It won't feel candlelit out there anyways. Just a harsh broken world out there in my front yard.

Eh, I'm glad Alex isn't here at the moment. I can't wait till he comes and then when he's here I can't wait till he goes. He's such a nasty arrogant person, too caught up in himself and what he thinks he's all about. I wonder when it's going to come tumbling down. God help him.

Yesterday I found myself staring into a camera, with a drawn on moustache and a bowler hat, fins on my feet, an apron I found in the laundry room, some googles, a scarf and my Mind the Gap hat. And I asked myself, "Self, how did you get here?" And then myself answered back, "Why I'm MAD of course!" in a jovial sort of chortle (good word by the way). Or perhaps I just wanted to make this dear boy with longish hair, piercing eyes and a fondness for color on another continent chortle too. And he will whenever I can show him that I am indeed insane.

I want to go to bars more often on weeknights and listen to the poor lonely drunk guys talk about life. You learn a lot that way you know. I do at least. Of course it isn't cool when they stare at me constantly and ask me about movies I haven't seen, but hey! my new philosophy is you've gotta try everything at least once. Or some things. That will be my excuse for why I haven't cleaned the kitchen or I'm failing math and chemistry or why I haven't moved in several hours or why I was on the floor grunting and saying someting closely translating to "Nah Nah wha!". Ah, even now I am chortling. Heh heh.

You know this is a good color. And so is this and this and this and this and this...

And I believe that's it for tonight folks. I really didn't have anything to say to begin with. And I just want to end this with something profound, but my brain doesn't seem to like me and my heart is in overdrive but won't spill out. Indeed I've been holdng tears back, trying to hold my breath, sometimes that works. I had to hide in my room from Alex so he wouldn't hear me if I did make a sound because he told me to go away and not to mope around about how I don't have anything to study with for exams.
Anyways,

God be with you. Really.

They're all liars

I am having a fantabulous brain fart moment, but my main brain fart victim has saved himself and gone off to bed. What ever shall I do? Journal!

This morning I was reading mwY lyrics to my dad in the car and starting crying. And then I collected myself and walked into that evil place I call school and went about my day feeling nothing.

At lunch Aly had a handful of green and purple and one red Spree. She told me I could have one, just not hte red one. So I took the red one. She yelled, "Ah!" or something that closely translates to that. And then I popped it in my mouth and she condemned me to Spree hell. Then she put the handful in her motuh and proceded to choke on them. It seemed she was bound for Spree hell a lot sooner than I.

I noticed the other day when my dad cooks, he shuffles about in the kitchen saying "shoot" or "shit" under his breath at everything that he does. I can't really tell which word it is because it mostly just sounds like "shhh" but anyways, all that shhing must wear an old man out.

I was going to share lunchroom excerpts from my writing there, but I've discovered the deepest I get is(today's writing) " They're peeling tangerines and eating white chocolate. And I'm going insane" or the Spree incident, along with a bunch of mwY lyrics. And! something sort of deep that I missinterpreted from someone was " I want to live first!", although I think he said "I want to peel first. Juicy juicy". But nevermind that. Living first is better than peeling first with some juicies don't you think? Yes you do.

I did however, make a discovery during this lunch period. I discovered from my last entry here about feeling so sad, is because "I think the reason this bothers me so much is because I don't want toturn into Tom. I don't want an emptiness I can't define and no purpose but to exist and make up my own purpose as to why I'm drifting around all while bearing a sadness I can't take, if I'm even aware of it."
Also, this has a bit of the last quote I said, but more!
"And you are jsut listening to the confused ramblings of a girl you don't even know. I'm not sure what's so different. We aren't so new. We're all tired under this skin that holds us together. Sometimes from going everywhere at once and sometimes just oozing out like a puddle on the floor. We're all aimlessly drifting around with this sadness we can't quite define, and if we can, then it sometimes hurts even more, but also we know our other pursuits that leave us empty, well they just add to the whole big picture of this fogginess and confusion. And now I have to quote mwY as usual:
'A wick to fit the wax, wood to fit the wire you strike the match - why not be utterly changed to fire? To sacrifice the shadow and the mist of a brief life you never much liked - if you'd care to come along we're gonna curb all our never-ending, clever complaining (as who's ever heard of a singer criticized by his song?) We hunger, but through all that we eat brings us little relied we don’t know quite what else to do We have all our beliefs, but we don’t want our beliefs God of peace, We want you'
I'm sorry if you don't care about God. He cares about you. And I can't say anything without it coming down to Him. Because honestly that's the only way we're ever going to feel new again."

I couldn't possibly tie this all together and make it sound coherant and well thought out at this time of night. That would be because it was well felt out anyways. At least I think. I'm never sure of myself. Back to focusing on this sadness again. I think I might have been able to almost put it in words. What an accomplishment. I've summarized my madness. But I must note this is only sort of.
"This is one reason I'm so sad. Everything I do is so wrong and I'm going blind, starting to get used to doing this crap and not thinking anything of it. But I am responsible and I can't shake that. I know I am harsh on myself but it's really hard to explain to you the various reasons why without sounding like a Nazi to myself. No one gets me anyways. I am mad. But I'll settle for this madness anyday just to get away from all the 'sanity'."
"Damn, if we could only learn to appreciate Him. I never do. Not enough. I never feel like anything in my heart is good enough to offer him. And I know that's wrong because Jesus died for us so that we would be made pure. I don't have to punish myself anymore. But I don't stop until I feel a certain way. Until I know I have true conviction because I just feel like I'm turning into everyone else."

And I feel like apologizing for myself again. Just know, I don't mean it. Sorry.

But! I have good news. My friend Chris talked to me again awhile forever. And he's really changing for the better. I've been praying for this for awhile, until I gave up. But God never does apparently.
Also I met a kid named Dorian who is unusually nice, yet casual and non threatening(although the way I act I seem to be threatened)tends to genuinely care. How rare. I've been finding myself being called all sorts of names like, "Hey Emily baby", "darling", "sweetie","honey", and just plain "Em". It's quite nice having someone interested in you and what you have to say. I like fascinating people. I try, I try. Although it would be nice to not have to do that.
And Tom...Tom, Tom, Tom...
God, I love him. If for nothing more than being that silly Tom person over there yonder in that Yurp place, he's made an impression on my life. The addiction that sustains me. The person I'd lay my life down for to trample on, just to make him happy. But he tramples so delicately, so gentleman-like and polite! Damnit! If he realizes what he means to me, he certainly doesn't show it, probably so he won't have to hurt my feelings to tell me he feels nothing so strongly for me. I don't care. I just want him to be happy. And I just want the Lord to be there with him to embrace him on his collaspsing bike with no chain(mwY, sorry, had to do it) and pick him up, wipe the dust off his feet and carry him through. And I devised a safe way to pull him through the computer screen and sit him down by my side. I'll sew him to my side when he decides to kidnap me and take me hostage in England, that way we can stay close. I'm getting so sick of closeness through a box...I might do something compulsive if I only had the money to do that.
And all through this constant fussing and sorrow over Tom and his brokeness, there's Edric always there to tell me how beautiful and loved I am and asking me how to make a paper bracelet so he can send one to me for a surprise Christmas gift...I love him too. We people, we're the sort that stick together. We can make bracelets that last.

This is the end. But not really.

Movement!

Hello.

I’ve started on several journal entries over the weeks but nothing satisfied me and I didn’t have time to finish them so I saved them and here they are, for your reading pleasure and hopefully thought provocation. But really I never put much thought into these, just feeling. Is that a bad thing? I’m not good at using this bowling ball on my shoulders; it only leads me astray from what is truly real. Anyways, you’ll notice my evident friendliness as I enjoy saying hello to you people. I could also be pleasing my mother by being pleasantly fake. Yay! Let’s call them movements, so I’ll look all artistic and stuff. Won’t I?

Movement of the hope cloud:

I am sad.

I clear up the emotions but they start back up everyday.I wish I could update this more often, but every time I see this blank screen it overwhelms me and I give up. I can't put my life into words so easily and I don't want to sound like everyone else. This must be a masterpiece. And I don't care if I'm hard on myself about it. That's just the way I am. Also I am not in a writing mood or a thinking mood.I hate everything I think about and everything I think and feel seems wrong. And I don't feel God's face on my life anymore. Something just feels out of place. And there's no feeling in anything. And nothing worth living for when I keep asking myself, "well, what next?" because I'm never satisfied with anything anymore. I judge people and I hate. I really don't like this, but it feels like all the passion I once had is being taken away. And I keep tripping on myself over my mistakes. They tell me my only purpose of living here "is to stay a bit longer". I really don't see why anymore when no one actually gives me a real purpose. But God, every time I start doubting this You show up and remind me it’s okay. And really okay in this case is defined as peace that passes all understanding. And also friends that love me. Or even this beautiful little boy I saw at Moe’s the other day. I wanted to hug him and squeeze all the cuteness out of him. But I think I would have only managed squeezing his guts out, so I restrained myself. And also my father was talking about killing himself so it was hard to concentrate on the beauty of this particular little boy. But anyways, God I thank you.

Movement of the nothing rock:

It's one of those days again. I see all the warning signs evident right now. I'm thinking. Conjuring up thoughts to kill myself with. Oh Lord save me from myself!But I feel so distant from You. Feeling I guess, shouldn't be a concern. You are very present even when I don't feel it.
But anyways, I'm thinking...
I'm thinking no one really cares.
I'm just this person.
I'm just this warm body in this cold world doing nothing like everyone else but warming it up by standing here. I can't really say that's warming it up. Not in a beneficial way.
Everyone is busy.
I'm ridicuously selfish.
I'm confused constantly.
Nothing is the same.
I feel quite worthless.
No life and no purpose.
No one really knows me or wants to know me or really wants to be my friend. They're just there to say 'hey' and leave. And maybe they think that's fine. And maybe I'm being ungrateful for all those people that love me. But I really don't feel any love at all from anyone. And the sad thing is just as I said that Edric IMed me a little computerized heart thing. But it only looks like symbols and letters and marks that once separated are just 'meaningless ornamental designs'.Well it never meant anything to a mind busy focusing on hating myself.
I really need to quit using mewithoutYou lyrics in everything I say.
If I add that I'm only doing this to get someone to feel sorry for me then maybe I'll come off as more humble or something because I can admit that. But it's been done before and it always proves that I'm also saying that to get people to feel sorry for me.
Anyways, I'm thinking...this night will not be good.

But it was!

(I can’t remember now what ‘was’)

Movement of the hoosiewhatsy:

Hello.Random is such an appealing word to teenagers. And yet nothing we do is entirely random. And I wish I could stop saying that word because I feel like I hopped on the bandwagon of lameness. Like totally!!111I had a conversation, it went like this:
Person: and then...Me: it seeped into the pants. Person: and burst out that little pocket that nobody uses!Me: Where all the coins go to hide when you need them. coins go to hide when you need Person: which is what it wanted to find, but mysteriously, something, or rather... someone got to the coins first! Me: ah, the drama Me: :and dispensed them into a Coinstar at their local grocery store to realize they had only that one coin and got 1% of a dollar as a result. It was exciting to watch their stupidity.Person: and they ran off into the nightMe: That means it must have been a penny and was worthless anyway and you shouldn't have spent your time looking for it or stealing it for that matter.Me: Oh yes, they slipped into the shadows and ran off in the that black color the earth assumes when the sun is no longer shining on it at a certain time in a 24 hour period.Me: I want a patch that says “Rage against the washing machine.”

I felt witty for five seconds there.